Stupid is as stupid does

Facebook Wisdom of the day #3

okay, so this one isn't exactly a wisdom, but for anyone that knows my family, you will admit that it is perfectly apropos!

Facebook Wisdom of the Day #2

And in the case that you don't accept that this is my philosophy, well then, I revert to the old Marine Corps toast:

Here's to you and here's to me

and if we ever disagree,

here's to me

and @#$% you!

Peace, love and applesauce!

WTF Video of the Day - Just a little love for your verticle smile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=oKvLd_XxFuw

The Boss of Me

So, one of the "perks" of my job is that I spend a lot of time networking at events that usually include some of the heavy hitters in our local communities. Particularly, of late, we have had a lot of engagements and office visits with the local sheriff, who is currently running for the first ever County Executive office in our county. He is, without a doubt, one of the most recognizable faces in the area. Regardless of what you think about his policies or his platform, you cannot argue that this man exudes public office.

I've listened to many political and public figures go on about how they were ordained to do what they were doing, even as they were being prosecuted for some awful betrayal of their position, and always I've thought to myself, "How in the world could they have believed that?" But just a few encounters with this sheriff and you know, he was meant to sit behind a mahogany desk and pen his name to policy.

And it doesn't hurt that he's a very good looking man, either. He's got a pearly white smile and a metro feel about him. He's always very well put together. His personality is the frosting that keeps you coming back for more. He seems genuinely concerned and considerate of those he meets. If he is at n event and "the people" want pictures of him, he never tires of it. He smiles, and puts his arm around the squirming, squealing girl, the star-struck woman, the admiring man, no one seems to be out of the demographic that he attracts.

So, tonight, I am tooting around the local festival taking my friend's girls on some rides when we encounter the rock-star himself. He winks at me and inquires as to how I am and reaches his arms around to give me a proper hug, not one of those wimpy photo-opp ones, and squeezes me and plants one on my cheek and turns to the girls and engages them in conversation. I introduce him and tell the girls what and who he is. They seem a little awestruck. (I totally get that!) And eventually he gives me a parting hug, and off we go.

Later, as we are standing in line for a ride, one of the girls turns to me and asks me if I knew him? I asked her if she thought he seemed like the kind of guy that just goes around hugging random people? She turns to me with the most honestly naive face and says, "Well isn't he the Boss of all of You?"

"All of Who?" I inquired.

"All of You grown-ups!" she exclaimed.

I smiled and nodded and assured her that yes, yes he was in fact the Boss of Me!


My lol moment for the day

Happy Anniversary

So, I called Miss Sally this morning and when she answered the phone I chimed "Happy Anniversary!"

"Who's Anniversary is it?" she replied.

"Um," I paused, waiting for her to catch on. "It's June 10th, Grama."

"June 10th," she mused. "Who's Anniversary is June 10th?"

"Um, Grama, it's June 10th, Happy Anniversary." I deadpanned, hoping it would dawn on her so I wouldn't have to say it.

Silence on the other end of the line. "Um, Grama?"

"Oh, Shit!" as the realization struck her. "I'll be damned!" she exclaimed. "You know, I remembered Selena's birthday yesterday and called her to tell her Happy Birthday. I even looked at the calendar and thought to myself, 'What's on June 10th?' But for the love of God, I completely forgot my own anniversary! Well, isn't that something?"

*********************

I guess that's a testament to the adage, "Life goes on" It's been 5 1/2 years since my Papa passed. They would have been married 15 years today. Of course, they had been together nearly 35 years before that. Still, it made me a little sad to think I was the only one that woke up this morning and noted the passing of this significant date.

I can remember the day he proposed to her. I had just acquired a new vehicle that day, a Le Baron that Papa had bought from a friend after it had been in a rear end collision. He and a few of the guys had worked pretty hard on it and got it in pretty good working shape. That day I was taking her out for her maiden cruise when some friends of the family suggested we all take a ride to a local eatery, The Green Lantern, for their renowned pizza.

So, into the Le Baron we crammed. How we all fit, I'll never know. We had pizza and beer and really enjoyed the lovely spring evening and the good company. At some point someone suggested we go to Chi-Chi's cantina for some Margaritas. Back into the Le Baron we went and headed over. We were having a great time, enjoying the music and the sweet tanginess of the tequila and lime saltiness. As was typical, Papa was soaking up the attention with his beer-boozy boisterousness. Atypically, my Grama was actually having a pretty good time, too.

There was a young couple at a near-by table. At some point in the evening we realized that he had proposed to her and she had said yes. Not to be outdone, my Papa, with much pomp and circumstance, loudly proclaimed his undying love for my Grama, and proposed she finally allow him to "make an honest woman of her". Surprisingly, she said yes. Everyone cheered as we ladies quickly sprang into party-planning mode and put the foundation of the wedding plans together. They were married around 6 weeks later, surrounded by friends and family, in my aunt's and uncle's backyard on the afternoon of June 10, 1995.

Happy Anniversary Grama and Papa - and we miss you Papa! Kisses to heaven!

She's got the "look"

Okay, so you know that look you give to the sweet-faced little "mentally challenged" girl when she coyly turns her cherubic face to you, bats her eyelashes, grins and waves? You know the one...the one that says, "Awe, what a cute little retarded girl. Isn't she precious?" (yes, I realize that is not very PC, but we all think it anyway!) Yeah, well, I got that look three times today. What's up with that?

Okay, the first one I admit, I probably deserved...I was driving north on Groesbeck at 4:45pm today. It was warmish and sunny and I had the windows down when Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" came on. That song practically defines my teen years! I can't help getting all dramatic and emotional and singing alomg with that one.

So there I am, driving down the road and singing along with Susan Sulley, "...I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true..." when this truck in the next lane slows to my pace. I look over and the driver is giving me that look! If it were practically any other song, I would've been embarassed, but I defy you to resist singing along with that iconic 80's tune.

Well, actually, to be perfectly honest, there's actually a plethora of songs I will sing along to with no regard for my appearance, much to the chagrin of my 17 year old son. But can I really be blamed? The 80s where rife with ballads that spoke to my angst-filled adolescent psyche, I just can't help myself! After all, I am a big dork!

The other two occurences, however, were completely unprovoked. I was compelled to seek out my reflection just to see if I had a booger hanging from my nose or something. I know, right?

This is why I love the English language

Pronunciation Poem

(best if read outloud)

I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you,
on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.

Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
to learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
that looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead -- it's said like bed not bead
--and for goodness' sake don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt)

A moth is not the moth in mother,
nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
nor dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose
--just look them up -- and goose and choose,
and cork and work and card and ward,
and font and front and word and sword,

and do and go and thwart and cart
--come, come I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Man alive.
I'd mastered it when I was five.

- Unknown -

I <3 Sex Education

I was driving home today when I happened upon a couple of guys walking toward me from the other side of the road. I could tell one of them had some kind of something bundled in the crook of his left arm. As I pulled up to the stop light, he noticed me looking and immediately changed his posture and adjusted the bundle. I could see then that he was carrying a baby simulator, one of the most inventive, yet statistically non-productive, teaching tools of the 20th century.

He must have thought I was someone he knew because right away, he corrected his hand positions and began to cradle the baby's head with one hand, while supporting the baby's bottom with his other. I smiled and giggled and when he realized he didn't know me at all, he blushed and relaxed his hold on the little joy. His buddy punched him in the arm and I could hear them berating each other with terms of endearment known to parents of teenage boys nation wide!

Oh, the websites spout research and statistics touting their substantive evidence that real life experience is proven to be effective in teaching kids about the reality of raising children. But when you think about it, in my generation we only had the menstruation video and we didn't have pregnancy pacts back then!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=5215182&page=1

While I don't advocate abstinence only policies, I do think it is important for children to be made aware of the consequences of their actions. I think the best thing we can do as parents is to raise our children to have the self confidence and self value to know they will make good decisions.

In the mean time, I think the humiliation these boys endures, while ineffective, sure is entertaining!

Nightmares at the gym

So, remember that nightmare you have were you are standing in front of a large crowd and you realize you are naked? Oh, you've never had that one? That must be my nightmare then. Yikes!

Today my dreams finally came true! Sort of. Well, not really, but here's what happened, you be the judge.

Usually after my work out, I like to spread out on a towel in the Arizona Dry Heat Room. I put a towel over my head to block out the light, pop on some meditative music on the iPod and float away into my Arizona dreams...I usually stay around 50 - 60 minutes...til the 140* heat causes my eyelids to stick to my dried out eyeballs!

Now, before you give me some lecture about that not being very healthy and how you're only supposed to stay for up to 20 minutes, let me explain that I gradually worked my way up to that amount of time...I am perfectly fine in there! I've monitored my blood pressure and everything is A-OK!

Afterwards, I like to stretch out on a chaise in the pool room, cover up with my blanket sized towel, replace the towel over my eyes and continue listening to my iPod til my temperature and pulse return to normal. I like to be completely cooled down before I get into the shower. Nothing worse than getting out of the shower and you're still sweaty! Eww Yuck!

Today, as I'm lying there listening to whales mating or rain forest bats eating bugs or some other new age fluff, the pool attendant comes in and loudly proclaims that everyone must exit the pool room. She then turns around without explanation and disappears back into the work out room. We all look at each other rather befuddled and bewildered. Nobody is sure what she means or why.

I get all my things together and walk into the locker room to find out what is going on. A few of the ladies tug their clothing on over wet bathing suits and head for the door. A few others just go back to their beauty routines and gossipping. I ask the lady using the locker next to mine what this is all about. She says she's not sure, but she heard they want us all dressed and out of there.

Well, I was soaked in sweat. There was no way I was going outside in that condition. I figured as long as it was going to take some of those old birds to get dressed, I could get in and out of the shower and still beat them out the door. So I grabbed my toilette and towels and headed back in. I was in the military for 12 years...I can shit, shower and shave faster than anyone I know! I was in and out in about two minutes and back at my locker before my old friend got her duffel bag out and opened.

So I grab my lotion and start slathering it on as fast as I can and just as I draw a stream of it across my arm and onto my chest, the entire Harper Woods Fire Department walks past my locker! Holy Toledo! The locker room attendant yells, "man on deck!" and gives me a dirty look as she saunters on by and says, "I told you to get dressed!"

Well, I can only imagine what my face must have looked like from the other side! I was utterly flabbergasted! The old gal next to me started laughing so hard her uppers slid out! Another old bird walked out of one of the dressing booths only half clad and said, "hell, I ain't got nuttin dem boys ain't seen afore!" Well, maybe she's right, but most of those boys were under 25 and I'm sure they hadn't seen it like she was showing it! lol

The old gal next to me dropped her towel to the floor and proceeded to get dressed as if it was just another day at the gym! I modestly opted to grab my garments and head for the nearest changing booth. They may have seen it before, but they weren't gonna be mortified by mine! hahaha

Turns out one of the guests thought she smelled Carbon Monoxide. Now before you say it, yes, we all know you can't smell Carbon Monoxide, but that's what she kept insisting on...Based on the high standard of sanitation of the staff, I'd say she probably smelled the years and layers of dust/hair/grime burning off the heat vent slats when the hot room fans turn on. It's no wonder they are closing down that location at the end of the month.

Discretion is Highly Overrated

Bali has come out with a new bra designed to bring a little dignity back to being a woman. There are these neat little flower shaped concealers fitted into each cup to disguise the CWIs (cold weather indicators) we have all been embarrassaingly plagued with on occassion. Modesty restored. No more will you need to question whether your grades were earned by merit or by the cold climate of the lecture hall.

I must admit, I've been waiting for this product my whole life!

A recent poll of the men in the area indicates they would like to have this product recalled. They are starting a petition.

lol

The Old Lady

So, my golden retriever will be 13 in another month (we think, she's a rescue so age is estimated, but we've always used Easter as her "birthday"). We've been very fortunate in that she has not yet lost continence, well, for the most part. I know that this is a common problem with retrievers around this time in their lives. What she DOES have, is a SHART problem.

**WARNING - this may get a little gross**

For those who don't know what a SHART is, it's when you think you're going to cut the cheese, and instead, you pop out a wee little nugget. Yeah, it's gross, but I warned you it would be!

So, anyway, she's getting to the point were she doesn't ask to go out anymore. She just wanders around the house and sighs alot. Then when you get the hint and ask her if she needs to go out, she jumps up and pops out a shart. Like she's been holding it for so long, the exertion causes the incident!

And what's even funnier is the embarrassment she displays subsequent to these "episodes". She looks downright ashamed! This always amuses me. There's this old saying that goes something like "Doggie farts, warms my heart". But that she actually feels bad about doing this really cracks me up.

This runs completely against how humans behave at that age. I mean, there's these old ladies at my gym that are constantly fouling up the air quality around the treadmills, and believe you me, the deep breathing one does while running on the treadmill can be dang near devastating when one of these grannies craps her pants! And what's worse, they actually get offended if you make faces or noises of disgust. One of them "tched" me the other day when I groaned and started waving my towel in an attempt to fan the air!

Boy,I hope I have as much dignity as my Sheila has when I get older. I sure love that old girl!

For those who aren't sure what to do with the internet

http://youshouldhaveseenthis.com/

I have the BESTEST friends in the whole wide world!

A very good friend called the other night and said she had something she was sending me in the mail that would be VERY useful for when I go on job interviews. Knowing this friend it could be just about anything, I mean really, she is WAY out there. But considering the seriousness of my current economic and employment position, I assumed she'd send me some handy "list of things not to forget when going on an interview" or some book on "interview tips for dummies" or something of that nature.

So when I opened up the package and found the t-shirt pictured above, I thought, "You know what they say about ASS-uming!" And then I proceeded to have a 15 minute fit of hard, rib bruising, tears-streaming-down-my-face, hysterical laughter.

Better than 1, you MADE MY DECADE!!!!

I LOVE my friends!

there is no more, I just forgot to remove the HTML! psych!

OMG!

Only the first minute or two are funny, after that it degenerates...

Beige

the puchline to one of my fave jokes ever! The joke goes something like this:

What is the difference between a girlfriend, a hooker, and a wife?
The girlfriend says, ”Ooohh! Baby, Baby, DON’T STOP! DON’T STOP!”
The hooker says, ”Oh baby baby. Don’t stop.” less enthusiastically
The wife says, “Beige. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Oh, please shoot me before I ever need one of these!

Easy-to-use bathroom aid extends your reach.


Ergonomically-designed bathroom aid features a soft, flexible head that grips bath tissue or pre-moistened wipes securely and easily. Provides a sense of personal independence and assures discretion. Ideal for arthritis sufferers and others with limited range of motion. Unique quick-release button allows for fast, sanitary disposal. ABS plastic with silicone grip and pad. 15 3/4" L. $14.98 or two for $28.50

Weekend at the Movies

Friday I rented a couple of movies. Here's my take on those:

Flashbacks of a Fool - with Daniel Craig (the current 007) by Miramax

It's the story of a washed up Hollywood actor who finds his life and his career circling the drain. He gets a call from home (England) informing him that his best childhood mate has died suddenly. In contemplating returning to the English Seaside he fled 25 years earlier, this prodigal son begins to flash back to significant events that led to his hasty departure.

Prominently featured is the music of David Bowie and Brian Ferry. Interesting to see the effects of the psychedelic 70s on rural England. The story is a little slow, but typical of English offerings.

During the flashbacks we learn that the Hollywood actor left his home and his family following a tragedy he blames himself for. You can't help but realize that everything this man has experienced since has been thru a filter of guilt and remorse. It isn't until he courageously returns home to face his guilt that he's allowed to let down those shackles and evolve as a person.

Very good movie. I give it 4 rages

The other rental was titled: Normal - starring Carrie Anne Moss

A multi-faceted story line of a tragic accident involving several people and the fall out that occurs in each of their lives;

The mother of the boy that died

The boy that didn't die

The drunk aging professor that hit them

Each of them is searching for the way back to normal.

I enjoyed this movie. It was interesting to see how each of the players in this story dealt (or didn't deal) with their grief and remorse.

I give this movie 3 rages

I don't recommend watching 2 dark movies on the same night. My dreams were filled with allegories for the grief I am dealing with in my current situation. I needed something to help me recover from this, so on Saturday, I went to see a comedy.

He's Just Not That Into You - starring and all star cast

This movie was hilarious!

OMG! Nothing like having a mirror held up to you to help you see the humor in how ridiculous the human animal is! LOL

The story begins on the playground. It's the usual story, boy meets girl, girls smiles at boy, boy pushes girl down in the dirt, turns and laffs as he runs away...Then mom comes to the aid of girl and perpetrates the first in a never ending string of lies and deceits we women perpetrate on one another. She tells the girl that the only reason the boy pushed her is because he likes her!

OMG! How many times have we heard or said these ridiculous things to one another to try to spare our girlfriend's feelings?

This movie was a crack up! I don't care who you are, you will immediately recognize these women.

There's a little something in this movie for everyone. All factions are represented, even the LGBT.

Super cute exchange: girl tells a gay couple at a party that she's not sure, but she thinks her invite to the party may have implied a little more than "come as a guest". Once again, our protagonist is reading a little more into the object of her affection's actions. The gay guys tell her it's hard to tell, since gay signals are so much less complex. And they demonstrate:"If you want to have sex with someone, you let your eye contact linger for more than three seconds" and they turn and gaze at one another. "One, Two, Three..." and they turn back to her. "Oh, yes, it's definitely on! If on the other hand, you're not into him," and they turn again to gaze at one another, "One, Two," and they dramatically snap back to front. "Oh, Hell no!" lol

Okay, so maybe you gotta see it to get the humor implied in that scene. But I'm new to this reviewing stuff. breaking my teeth in so to speak (or type!)

Anywho, This one is definitely worth the price of admission.

I give it 4.5 rages

Happy viewing!

You think you have stress???

Okay, so I thought I was making some marked improvements in handling my current situation (ie, losing my job and possibly my house and nearly my mind!)

I've been diligently forcing myself to go to the gym on my regular gym days, even if I don't feel like it. It's always nice to visit with the group of "regulars" I associate with when I'm there and also I like to take in the Arizona Dry Heat room for a little soothing heat and meditation even if I don't "work out".

I've been TRYING (mostly unsuccessfully) to stick to my eating plan. I've been hitting about 70% - but I just can't seem to keep the comfort foods off my plate!

I've been going out for drinks with the girls to keep social (and sometimes to vent, thank you girls!)

I've been trying to avoid situations that will just make me angrier/sadder/more frustrated.

I've been avoiding the news, though some of it slips through. (don't get me started about the Sect of Treasure appointment or the $871 billion dollar "stimulus" package.)

It's funny how stress can rear it's ugly (and sometimes humorous) head.

So, I disembark my vehicle upon returning from the gym the other day. I grab my bags out of the back seat, and with keys in hand, slide up the icy walk to the porch. As I approach the porch, I slide my key fob between my thumb and index finger "Hmmmm", I think to myself. "I wonder why it's not clicking?" I try this several more times, getting really perturbed when it suddenly dawns on me, "The car unlock button doesn't unlock the front door to the house!"

I quickly glance around to make sure no one witnessed my utterly STUPID act. UGH!

Once inside the house, I quickly rid myself of my bags, coat, shoes, etc and head straight for the "pharmacy". I opened a bottle of *Ghetto Neegro and dispensed 1 healthy dose of the stuff that makes it all better! Thank you God for fermented grapes!

So, at break time, I make a run for the little girls room. After taking care of business, I washed my hands and dried them with paper towel. I turned and walked over to the can to throw away my used towel. Once in front of the can, I stuck out my right leg and tapped the tiles on the floor.

Nothing happened.

I tried again.

Nothing happened.

I tried a third time, and realized mid-tap that I was trying to open the lid to my can at home, which has a foot pedal, and this one didn't!

Gah!

So, I'm going home after I'm done stealing these interwebz and dosing myself amply!

Ahhhhh, vino, the sweet nectar of avoidance and denial!

*Ghetto Neegro is my besties kids mispronunciation of our recently discovered, wonderfully tasting cheap, grocery store wine, Gato Negro, sold at a Meijer near you! Usually on sale 3/$10!