Conversations with myself

Well, there are a few things I'd like to say to a few people that just wouldn't be prudent at this time. So, I'm going to say them to myself.

Here goes:


*You really piss me off when you walk around here like little miss oh I'm so special and you're sweet to everyone but me. Get over it. I hurt your feelings. I said I'm sorry. Pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.

*I really can't figure out where I went wrong. How did you spend all that time with me and still end up thinking and acting the way you do?

*I really miss you and I don't think you put me high enough on your priority list. I feel like I should be more important to you.

*I don't understand why you continue to shut me out. I am the closest living relative they have on earth besides you. It hurts me to the point of crippling me that you won't let me be a part of their lives.

*So I took advantage of you. I was wrong to do that. But just for a moment I wanted to pretend that you hadn't done the same thing to me all those years ago.

*acknowledge me, dammit!

*I no longer have the desire to have a relationship with you. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...I won't be fooled a third time.

*if I was any lonelier, I'd be a big-haired 80s rock ballad.

Count your blessings

Yes, well, after all this time, you think I would get it. I've heard this so many times you would think it would be second nature. Yet after I've taken action to correct a wrong done to me I continue to brood over the fact of the initial wrong-doing instead of being satisfied with the ultimate outcome! What's the matter with me?


So tonight I had a conversation with my friend, the psychic. I don't pay for her services, well, just that once, but that was only for fun, mostly. I guess I'm one of those people that doesn't really want to know the future. But I don't play the lotto or read my horoscope of wish to be filthy rich and so on and so on...I digress...

So, we were talking, and as per usual she was asking me how to market her services. Now, I can't help you if you don't really want help. There's nothing more aggravating than someone asking you the same questions, over and over...yet when you say to them, "hey, I told you this last time. Didn't you try it?" and they say no, they didn't try it...what do you do with that?

So during our conversation, she pointed out the same thing she pointed out the last few times we've talked, always unsolicited, that I have this really great energy about me and the only thing preventing me from achieving my goals is my underlying attitude of having been cheated out of something. She called it my "woman scorned, but not just by love" attitude. And I always reply with, "If only you knew."

And I thought to myself, yeah, I've heard this before. And I said as much to her. So my question is this: If knowing you have a problem is half the solution, what the hell is the other half? How do you let that go? How do you release that and move on? Cuz I'll tell you, I've tried, and tried and tried.

As I was pondering this with her, I mentioned that I don't really hold any resentments toward anyone in particular, anymore. I've worked really hard this past year to forgive those who I have held the burden of resentment towards. And while we were having this conversation, I realized, it isn't someone else that I'm bitter with about any of the past grief in my life. It's me.

I realized I am mad at me! I've spent the better part of my adult life feeling duty bound to a bunch of people that never asked me to do that for them. That was my own doing! Nobody forced me to put myself last. There is no written law that says I had to put everyone else first and sacrifice my own satisfaction. As a matter of fact, the very people I felt honor-bound to please and take care of were mostly selfish people that never took my feelings into account in there decisions and actions. So why did I feel the need to do so? It's mostly me that I'm angry with! How could I have flittered away so many years?

Hmmmm, this is going to take some serious meditation and prayer.

How to forgive oneself.

Suggestions appreciated...

I Yam what I Yam!

I want to know who made up the rule that blood is thicker than water? I mean, really? Why is it that we feel this unrealistic sense of obligation to people for whom our greatest commanality is often times only DNA? Why is it okay for the ones we love to be so agregiously awful to us? Who says it's okay for these people to hurt us just because we're their loved ones? I mean, really?

Recently I was accused of being better to my friends than I am to my own family. Well, maybe that's because my friends have always loved me unconditionally. Maybe because my friends always come to my rescue when needed and never serve me with the bill. Maybe God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to give me, through friendship, the family that genetics and bad luck cheated me out of. I mean, really!

I once had a therapist who told me that I should remove toxic people from my life, even if they are family. He told me I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to take a step back from them when I needed it. I have recently been taking an inventory of those things about myself that I could use some improvements on. I know that I am not so good at the forgiveness thing and I am working dilligently on this. I am the first to recognise that I am an imperfect creature and I have a lot of work to do before I leave this world. I am not opposed to a little constructive critisism here and there. Let it never be said that I am not constantly seeking self improvement.

But you know what? If you can't figure out how to tell me you are not happy with me without sinking to petty, immature, name calling, you can go flock yourself! I'm not a rug - you do not have permission to walk all over me. I Yam what I Yam and I make no excuses for it!

That's all I have to say on that!

We should do this more often

I'm not really sure what reconciliation feels or looks like, but I'd say I came pretty close today. Normally I don't attend the little kiddy parties in my family, but my cousin gave my son a very generous gift a couple weeks ago at his grad party. Feeling rather obligated, I went to her little girl's birthday party. I expected the usual, a few aunts and uncles, a few cousins, and a half dozen or so screaming little drama queens that leave me thanking God I don't have to do the little kiddy thing anymore! The surprise came when I walked out onto the patio to see my sister's daughter sitting in a chair, awkwardly smiling as she looked up at me.


You see, my sister and I have been estranged for about 8 years or so. Even before that, my sister had pulled back from our side of the family and didn't participate in family occasions. The few times I've seen my littlest nephew, Scott, age 6, were the night I snuck into the hospital upon his birth, knowing my brother-in-law wouldn't dare make a scene there, and at the few select funerals my sister has attended over the years, and although our family has had it's share of these I don't think I've seen my sister's children in at least 2 or 3 years!

So needless to say, the little one doesn't know me. Her oldest son, Kevin, age 16, now lives with his dad. Her daughter, Linda, age 13, and her middle son, Sam, age 11, remember me, but tend to be a little reserved around me. Sam wasn't allowed to attend the party due to being grounded for his report card. This type of discipline is just one of the many things his father and I don't see eye-to-eye on.

So, upon seeing my niece, I promptly walked over and stood her up and hugged her within an inch of her life. I whispered in her ear and told her that not one day had gone by that I had not loved her. I whispered that she may have to forgive me later, but I wasn't sure I'd be willing to let her go for quite some time. Once the tears slowed down, I reluctantly let her go and turned to see if any of her siblings were there. That's when I spotted the little one in the pool.

I marched over, still in my Sunday best, and shouted for him to come to the side of the pool. I said hello to him and asked him if he knew who I was. He looked at me with confusion in his eyes. I told him I was his auntie Michele and asked him if I could hug him. He kinda shrugged and scooted toward the edge of the pool. I scooped him up and proceeded to hug him within an inch of his life and gave him a volley of kisses and whispered in his ear, "I know you don't know who I am, but I have loved you every day of your life! You can go back to swimming now!" I set him back to rights as he gave me a weird look and went back to terrorizing the girls in the pool.

Shortly after, I changed into my swimsuit and also got into the pool to terrorize the girls. I swear I immediately turned into a 10 year old! I coaxed my niece into the pool and we had a great time swimming, doing somersaults, tossing kids about and having shoot-outs with all the water cannons. There was also a moon bounce which was slippery as all get out due to the pool soaked bouncers. We spent the afternoon going from the pool to the bouncy and back. It really was quite an experience, but anyone that knows me know how much I love to play with the kids and carry on like a fool!

Just before the cupcakes and ice cream where brought out, I noticed my auntie and grama heading around the side of the house. Then suddenly they where on their way back to the patio each on a side of my sister, helping her to traverse the landscape. You see, she's been receiving treatments for cervical cancer and from the news I've received, the chemo's been kicking her butt. But I've also seen her posting on FB and she seems to have a great attitude about her illness, which I understand helps with the healing process.

It's been a difficult year for me, this 2009. First I lost my job, then the bank decided against helping me keep my house, then my baby boy graduated from High School, then I found out my sister was diagnosed and I suddenly found myself dealing with all these emotions at once. I've done a lot of praying, and a lot of crying, and I decided I had to forgive her. Now, this doesn't mean I will soon be forgetting how she hurt me, or how much of my niece and nephews' lives I have missed out on, but I didn't want to carry around the resentment I had a single day longer.

I've been cleaning my house and taking stock of what I want to keep and what I should get rid of in anticipation of being foreclosed on. I figure, the less I have to pay to store while I shack up on some one's couch, the better. I decided that this would be the perfect time to additionally take stock of my emotional baggage and get rid of that as well! I've been looking around my world and asking myself if I really am good Christian or just going thru the motions. I'm working on being the "bigger man" but letting go of the need to let everyone know just WHY I'm the "bigger man". Several weeks ago, I posted a letter of forgiveness to my sister. Since then, I've been working on really meaning it.

I greeted my sister with a, "well, don't you look like hell?" to which she smiled genuinely and said thanks. My comment shocked a few of my cousins and they were obviously non-plussed about it, but I said to them that if I had said, "well, you look great!" she would have just assumed I was lying! My sister laughed and nodded and agreed and they seemed to take that at face value. I went back to playing with the kids. What a great way to spend a day. Although, did you know that bouncing in a moonwalk is like doing lunges? My thighs are KILLING ME as I sit here and type this. I'll have to remember to take a Motrin before bed tonight!

So as the party drew to an end and we all made our ways toward the front of the house to say our goodbyes, I grabbed up my nephew and hugged him and kissed him and told him to never forget how much I love him. As well with my niece, plus I asked them both to pass on my love to their brother Sam and tell him I love him too. Linda was not thrilled with the prospect of passing on a kiss to him, but agreed anyways.

Then I walked over to my sister and for the heck of it, threw my arms around her, expecting a gratuitous hug and nothing more. Instead, she grabbed on to me like it was a matter of life or death and proceeded to give me a hug that can only be compared to what I imagine an actual bear hug would feel like. Eight years seemed to melt away into the atmosphere in that hug. As we stood there, neck to neck, all the love I had for her came rushing out of the box I had been hiding it in and I couldn't keep the tears back. I sobbed and shook, and shivered as we allowed our grip to say all the things that we couldn't, and still we stood grasping one another. I whispered that I loved her and that I was praying for her that I was really happy to be hugging her to which she replied "we should do this more often"

Forgiveness

If you haven't yet read The Shack by William P. Young, you need to, and as soon as possible. It is one of the most moving stories I have read in my lifetime. I get emotional just thinking about the way Mr. Young lays out the relationship of the protagonist with the Father. Yes, it is a work of religious fiction, Christian in fact, but in a good way. Regardless of your spiritual proclivities, you will no doubt recognize the profound need mankind has for a relationship with others and especially with The Creator.

In brief, it is the story of a man who loses his youngest child, a daughter, to the whims of a murderous madman during a camping trip in the mountains of Eastern Oregon. Police follow his tracks to a cabin in the woods where her bloody dress is found. Her body is never discovered. Five years later, the father is awakened from his grief-stricken, sleep-walking state and bidden to the cabin in the woods at the behest of The Lord, God Almighty, going by the nickname of Papa. Following is an excerpt from the book:

"Mack, for you to forgive this man is for you to release him to me and allow me to redeem him."
"Redeem him?" Again Mack felt the fire of anger and hurt. "I don't want you to redeem him! I want you to hurt him, to punish him, to put him in hell..." His voice trailed off.
Papa waited patiently for the emotions to ease.
"I'm stuck, Papa. I just can't forget what he did, can I?" Mack implored.
"Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It is about letting go of another person's throat."
"But I thought you forget our sins?"
"Mack, I am God. I forget nothing. I know everything. So forgetting for me is the choice to limit myself. Son," Papa's voice got quiet and Mack looked up at him, directly into his deep brown eyes, "because of Jesus, there is now no law demanding that I bring your sins back to mind. They are gone when it comes to you and me, and they run no interference in our relationship."
"But this man..."
"But he too is my son. I want to redeem him."
"So what then I just forgive him and everything is okay, and we become buddies?" Mack stated softly but sarcastically.
"You don't have a relationship with this man, at least not yet. Forgiveness does not establish relationship. In Jesus, I have forgiven all humans for their sins against me, but only some choose relationship. Mackenzie, don't you see that forgiveness is an incredible power - a power you share with us, a power Jesus gives to all whom he indwells so that reconciliation can grow? When Jesus forgave those who nailed him to the cross they were no longer in his debt, nor mine. In my relationship with those men, I will never bring up what they did, or shame them, or embarrass them."
"I don't think I can do this," Mack answered softly.
"I want you to. Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver," answered Papa, "to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly. Do you think this man cares about the pain and torment you have gone through? If anything, he feeds on that knowledge. Don't you want to cut that off? And in doing so, you'll release him from a burden that he carries whether he knows it or not - acknowledges it or not. When you choose to forgive another, you love him well."

So okay, my hurt isn't quite that tragic, but it is mine. I have nurtured it for years. It has molded me, shaped me, deeply impacted all my other relationships. It is part of who I am. I have tried on repeated occasions to reconcile this broken relationship, tried to bridge the gap. And every time the street commission comes out and puts a "bridge out" sign up and that's all she wrote.

You have stolen 8 years of my niece and nephews' lives from me. You have caused my son to grow up with no real cousins, and you know how close he and Kevin where. It was not bad enough I was an orphan, you had to take away my only sister, even if we were never going to be bffs, you were all I had. You hurt me. Really, really hurt me. And then tried to ruin my relationships with the rest of my family. And for what?

I learned a long time ago to compartmentalize the pain so that I could at least function. I learned to hide the softest parts of me. I used to keep a little back, but after that, I learned to keep a LOT back. Something broke in me, something I fear will never be repaired.

I have tried to be a good friend to those around me. I have been blessed with a fantastic group of friends that have served as surrogate family, surrogate sisters. They are wholly undeserved, as I have never be able to give to them as much as they give to me. And until I forgive you, wholly and completely, I never will.

And then came the cancer. You had to go and get the same damn disease that killed our dear, sweet mother. I cry foul! That's not fair. Now I'm expected to be the bigger man. I'm the older sister so I'm just supposed to "do the right thing" and I'm not ready to. I've become very familiar with my pain. It's like a pair of old slippers, not entirely comfortable, but reliable. Plus, I'm tired of being the one that has to go first. I'm tired of trying to make things right and having you slam another rejection in my face.

But you trumped my selfish need to hold on to my ugly. So, my sister, I forgive you. I release you from all wrongs perpetrated against me, whether real or imagined. I wipe the slate clean, for real this time. Tabula Rasa.

Ball's in your court.

Dear Heavenly Father, Please come into my heart and wash away the burden of grief and hurt I feel toward my sister and renew a right spirit within me. Amen