Karma

The more I learn about how the world operates, the more I realize I know nothing. But I also realize that God gives you plenty of opportunities to master the lessons you need the most. Karma. Learn the first time and be done with it. Don't quite learn it? Doomed to repeat it. But Doomed may not be the choicest word, for it is sometimes a real blessing to have the chance to keep learning. Few things are fatal. 

All this is a very cryptic way of saying, I think I'm getting the hang of realizing when I'm in the midst of a lesson, even if I'm not all that keen on resolving the situation in the best way. 

Today, I had a confrontation at the gym where I teach yoga. Once upon a time, I enjoyed getting into somebody's face when they annoyed me. But I've been operating on a different vibe and working pretty hard at changing my automatic responses to situations. So today, as this event was unfolding, I did my level best to stay calm, to project love, to see the argument from all sides, and to attempt to diffuse the anger being thrown at me. 

When all was said and done, it took me a really long time to bring my attention back to the present moment. The energy I was giving off was so affected that I couldn't get my music to work, I couldn't keep track of my yoga flow, I had my rights and lefts totally mixed up. But soon enough, I remembered to stop, take a few deep breaths, center myself on the thoughts that I breathe in love, breathe out peace, and I carried OM. 

I'm sure this whole incident will somehow turn into a yoga lesson, or two or three. Isn't everything a yoga lesson now? :)

I walked into a Hallmark store this afternoon and the first display I saw was a frame that had a "... days til I'm a grama" sign. The number was 108 - the number of beads on my mala. I immediately touched my wrist, breathed love and light into my body, smiled and continued shopping. 

The universe keeps giving me confirmation that I'm moving in the direction of my Dharma! 

What kind of lessons do you find yourself repeating?

How Crazy Is That?

This is how ridiculously outrageous our society's sense of beauty has impacted practically logical people: After years of battling with weight issues, at one time getting up to a whopping size 22, I am sitting here in my size 12 jeans thinking to myself, yeesh, I feel fat. 

How Crazy Is That?

I am in the same size Marilyn Monroe wore. I am voluptuous, sexy, proportioned, and even better than all of those things, I'm fit, healthy, and hearty. 

So why am I sitting here bemoaning the "spare tire" I see sitting above my waistband? Stupid magazines and TV shows. Stupid Barbie Dolls and teen idols. The worst part is, I've never had body issues. I've always been comfortable in the skin I'm in. And yet...here I am, feeling all bloated, and guilt-ridden for eating an entire bag of Cheddar Jalapenos Cheetos. 

So, I will drink this entire glass of wine, finish my Cheetos, and go do a handful of crunches. Hopefully that will assuage my guilty conscience. 

Isn't it Romantic?

So, I was SUPPOSED to have a weekend away at a romantic getaway with a certain someone. Instead, I got a weekend of wishing I was anywhere but here. I think it is definitely time to move on. I think I am discovering that I'm not the kind of person that sticks around. There's just never anything to keep my attention for any length of time. 

That is all for now. 

Everything Changes yet Everything Stays the Same

Just returned from a 2 week "break". I decided to try to see things thru fresh eyes. Funny, it all filters into the same images as before. Maybe next time I take a real vacation. One without computers, cell phones, appointments, schedules, etc. I need a "Calgon, take me away" kind of break. 

Bastard!

One thing I've discovered in life is that when you meet a bastard that spends most of his time telling you what a good so-and-so he is, generally he is not. So, here I am, stuck in the middle of what I want to accomplish, and what I'm being prohibited from accomplishing, and my best bet right now is a circle-talking, scheming, conniving, under-handed, bastard who in one breath is telling you, "Yeah, I'm a bastard, but I'm telling you up front I'm a bastard so you can't hold it against me" and in the other is explaining that anyone that would be a bastard to you can't be trusted...Oy!

So, if you haven't figured it out, the word for today is: BASTARD! 

I better go do some yoga!

Two Little Words...

WORK ETHIC - I know, it doesn't seem like much to you. But in reality, it is nearly everything. A man is only as good as his words - these two in particular. This is a foreign concept for most people. I'm not sure what the world is coming to, but if the percentage of employable persons that are actually conscientious of the meaning of these words is any indication, we might well expect something epic like the great flood to be coming our way. 

I find it absolutely incredible the lengths and depths I have to go to to get even the littlest things out of the people I work with. It's worse than trying to feed squash to a toddler! 

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Pray for me, folks!

Frustrations

Remember that commercial for Heinz Ketchup where they used the Anticipation song and you had to watch while the ketchup moved like molasses out of the bottle? That's what it's like getting nearly anything done in Haiti. I'm posting this here because this is my Rant and Rave page and I don't want to put it on the other. 

It seems like everything we try do do here is a matter of one step forward, 17 steps back. 

I have been waiting since October 11th for this man to get me my permanent resident documents. He has so far stood me up over 20 times, even refusing to take my calls for a period of two weeks. And when I try to confront him on it, he has absolutely no sense of wrong-doing. 

So here I sit and wait, he is over 2 hours past due. The days just keep passing and nothing happens and there's no way to compel anyone to do anything except for threats of bodily harm. 

Harumph!

Oh how I long for the days when I could just make someone do push-ups when they pissed me off! lol

Keep praying for me. I'm sure to evolve eventually!

A Few of My Favorite Rants

I'm tired of Comcast boasting record breaking speeds, yet my streaming video gets disrupted a bazillion times.

I'm tired of my kid telling me he didn't mess anything up, yet after he stayed at my townhouse for a sum total of 14 hours my wireless router no longer recognizes my Internet connection.

I'm tired of my laptop screen going black for no reason.

I'm tired of people who feel the need to espouse useless information that isn't even accurate, when nobody asked them in the first place.

I'm tired of everyone having an opinion on everything! Sometimes people say stuff just because they want to get it off their chest. Or maybe they are hoping to find a sympathetic ear. They sure as hell didn't offer up their gripe so you can consistently tell them why they are an ASSHOLE!

So, three glasses of wine have apparently had no effect on my temperament tonight and I have to be up early in the morning.

Goodnight cruel world. You get this one. Let's see who emerges victorious tomorrow!

Conversations with myself

Well, there are a few things I'd like to say to a few people that just wouldn't be prudent at this time. So, I'm going to say them to myself.

Here goes:


*You really piss me off when you walk around here like little miss oh I'm so special and you're sweet to everyone but me. Get over it. I hurt your feelings. I said I'm sorry. Pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.

*I really can't figure out where I went wrong. How did you spend all that time with me and still end up thinking and acting the way you do?

*I really miss you and I don't think you put me high enough on your priority list. I feel like I should be more important to you.

*I don't understand why you continue to shut me out. I am the closest living relative they have on earth besides you. It hurts me to the point of crippling me that you won't let me be a part of their lives.

*So I took advantage of you. I was wrong to do that. But just for a moment I wanted to pretend that you hadn't done the same thing to me all those years ago.

*acknowledge me, dammit!

*I no longer have the desire to have a relationship with you. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...I won't be fooled a third time.

*if I was any lonelier, I'd be a big-haired 80s rock ballad.

Because I need to do this more often

So I keep hearing (reading) all these complaints from posters that they're tired of the twitter affect on FB. They feel that people shouldn't post everything that pops into their head. But spontaneous disclosure is what social media is all about, isn't it? If we only posted an occasional update, that would get boring pretty quickly! On the other hand, there are a few of the "friends" on my wall I've had to block because apparently they DO post EVERY SINGLE THING that crosses their mind.


Now, don't get me wrong, there are occasions when I volley off a slew of posts in a short amount of time. I can see how it would get annoying if I did this consistently, so I am mindful not to get that carried away. And I try to not do it very often!

What I will throw out there is the Uber annoying FB game factor. I adore most of my friends and thank GOD most of them don't bother me with their mafia requests and crop building requests. But I think what really blows my mind is, where do they get the TIME to dedicate to these things? I really don't see the attraction. Wouldn't it be 10X more fun and rewarding to plant ACTUAL food and harvest ACTUAL food and then you could cook it up and eat it with your ACTUAL friends?

Anyhoo, that's what I've got to say about that!

Dissappointment

An actual Rage for a change:

I'm so tired of being the one everyone can count on. Why do I feel the compelling need to always come thru for others when noone feels compelled to be that for me? I have had it with trying to plan and put things together for everyone else, and then when I expect something to go my way, well. See what I get for expecting? Nothing, usually!

That's all I have to say about that!

Count your blessings

Yes, well, after all this time, you think I would get it. I've heard this so many times you would think it would be second nature. Yet after I've taken action to correct a wrong done to me I continue to brood over the fact of the initial wrong-doing instead of being satisfied with the ultimate outcome! What's the matter with me?


So tonight I had a conversation with my friend, the psychic. I don't pay for her services, well, just that once, but that was only for fun, mostly. I guess I'm one of those people that doesn't really want to know the future. But I don't play the lotto or read my horoscope of wish to be filthy rich and so on and so on...I digress...

So, we were talking, and as per usual she was asking me how to market her services. Now, I can't help you if you don't really want help. There's nothing more aggravating than someone asking you the same questions, over and over...yet when you say to them, "hey, I told you this last time. Didn't you try it?" and they say no, they didn't try it...what do you do with that?

So during our conversation, she pointed out the same thing she pointed out the last few times we've talked, always unsolicited, that I have this really great energy about me and the only thing preventing me from achieving my goals is my underlying attitude of having been cheated out of something. She called it my "woman scorned, but not just by love" attitude. And I always reply with, "If only you knew."

And I thought to myself, yeah, I've heard this before. And I said as much to her. So my question is this: If knowing you have a problem is half the solution, what the hell is the other half? How do you let that go? How do you release that and move on? Cuz I'll tell you, I've tried, and tried and tried.

As I was pondering this with her, I mentioned that I don't really hold any resentments toward anyone in particular, anymore. I've worked really hard this past year to forgive those who I have held the burden of resentment towards. And while we were having this conversation, I realized, it isn't someone else that I'm bitter with about any of the past grief in my life. It's me.

I realized I am mad at me! I've spent the better part of my adult life feeling duty bound to a bunch of people that never asked me to do that for them. That was my own doing! Nobody forced me to put myself last. There is no written law that says I had to put everyone else first and sacrifice my own satisfaction. As a matter of fact, the very people I felt honor-bound to please and take care of were mostly selfish people that never took my feelings into account in there decisions and actions. So why did I feel the need to do so? It's mostly me that I'm angry with! How could I have flittered away so many years?

Hmmmm, this is going to take some serious meditation and prayer.

How to forgive oneself.

Suggestions appreciated...

I'm supposed to be writing my first essay for Engl Comp 2 on Toni Cade Bambara's short story, "The Lesson". It's supposed to be a thematic analysis based around the general theme of innocence vs experience. The idea is that we somehow relate this to the idea of economic disparity between the population that lived in teh projects of the Bronx vs the Manhattenites in the late 60's. Also the theme needs to relate to the notion that education can be a bridge to cross that casm dividing the haves from the have-nots.


But what I really want to write about is the sub-theme of delusional satisfaction vs reality dissatisfaction. I want to analyze the very substance of how humans are wont to shoot the messenger, especially when said messenger is the one that throws a monkey wrench in what is otherwise our blissful denial of what is seriously dysfunctional in our lives. The lynching of the wool puller, so to speak. I think that would be a far more relevant analysis.

But I know this professor well enough to know that if I vary too far from what he is looking for he won't even give me a fair evaluation, so I guess, for this one time, I will play by the rules, however distasteful that may be...sigh...

Tired, Tired, Tired

I'm so tired! I have to take these student success seminars for an extra 10 points toward my econ class...so the first one was time management. We had to do this exercise where we calculate the amount of time we spend on each of our daily tasks to determine how much time we have to study. According to what I proposed, I wanted to study approx 14 to 15 hours per week. All things accounted for, I have approx 17 hours avail. That means that sleep and everything else accounted for, if I put in my proposed hours of study each week, I end up with 2 hours of free time - total...ugh!

The up side of being this busy and tired all the time is that I hardly notice that my bff has abandoned me for some as of yet unknown infraction on my part, nor do I have time to think about my situation with the house, nor do I have the time to experience empty nest syndrome. Which is all a good thing, cuz mostly I'm just sad about my work situation...apparently I am a little too "me" for some of the clientele. Once again, it is up to me to adjust to make everyone comfortable...Someday, when I win the lottery, or marry an uber rich man on his way to his funeral, or some such other extremely feasible means of becoming independently wealthy, I am soooo not going to miss all this petty BS!

Bah Humbug!

Here's what I don't get...if it really is the thought that counts, and not the actual gift...what the heck is everyone doing driving themselves into debt to buy all this crap for their kids, their families and their friends? How did we go from celebrating the birth of our savior to this commercialized orgy of materialism?

I've decided to cancel Xmas this year.


Other than celebrating the prayerful praises of a God that loved me enough to make the greatest sacrifice so that I may live eternally in a relationship with Him, I will not be participating in any of the other stuff...I will have to fake it thru a few parties that I have been obligated to attend, but it will be fake. I will not even attempt to muster up even the least bit of a holiday spirit.

I am not baking, doing cards, buying gifts of any kind, cooking and/or eating if I can get away with it. I've got some time off between school semesters and some time off my Oh, so wonderful new job and I'm going to get some things in order and start the new year fresh. So if in the meantime I seem to step on your elfish spirit, well, excuse me! I've had a rough G-D year and I think I get to be an ass for a while.

Please come check back after the most wonderful time of the year and meet the new me. I'm hoping to find her somewhere out in Vegas during the holiday break.

Peace!

Busy as Sheet cake!

This is just a post to say that I have at least 5 posts stored up in my head and no time to lay them out...I need a secretary!

I Yam what I Yam!

I want to know who made up the rule that blood is thicker than water? I mean, really? Why is it that we feel this unrealistic sense of obligation to people for whom our greatest commanality is often times only DNA? Why is it okay for the ones we love to be so agregiously awful to us? Who says it's okay for these people to hurt us just because we're their loved ones? I mean, really?

Recently I was accused of being better to my friends than I am to my own family. Well, maybe that's because my friends have always loved me unconditionally. Maybe because my friends always come to my rescue when needed and never serve me with the bill. Maybe God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to give me, through friendship, the family that genetics and bad luck cheated me out of. I mean, really!

I once had a therapist who told me that I should remove toxic people from my life, even if they are family. He told me I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to take a step back from them when I needed it. I have recently been taking an inventory of those things about myself that I could use some improvements on. I know that I am not so good at the forgiveness thing and I am working dilligently on this. I am the first to recognise that I am an imperfect creature and I have a lot of work to do before I leave this world. I am not opposed to a little constructive critisism here and there. Let it never be said that I am not constantly seeking self improvement.

But you know what? If you can't figure out how to tell me you are not happy with me without sinking to petty, immature, name calling, you can go flock yourself! I'm not a rug - you do not have permission to walk all over me. I Yam what I Yam and I make no excuses for it!

That's all I have to say on that!

Check-Out Lane Rage

So, I hate shopping anyways. I know, how un-womanly of my, wtfe! I really hate it. My idea of a great shopping trip would be to not go...if I could order everything I ever needed in life online (at the best bargain basement price) and have it delivered, I would. It's not that I don't like browsing through the aisles, window shopping, or driving from place to place, (although, with traffic getting worse and worse, that could be part of it.) What I really despise is the crowds of rude, obnoxious, over-bearing, people in the world that feel like they are the most important people around. I mean, really!

If someone gets in line behind me and they have far fewer items than me, or a whiny, crabby, tired tot-in-tow, or they're old, I let them go in front of me. In the interest of keeping up with the Golden Rule, I feel it only fair since I nearly expect the same treatment if I'm the one with only one item behind the woman with five kids and two shopping carts. Plus, I figure, it can't hurt my Karma, right?

So today, I've got 5 items in my cart. Costco, in their infinite *cough* wisdom has only 3 lanes open and 20 - 25 customers waiting to check out. I figure as soon as I select a lane, the others will start moving at mach speeds so I resign myself to the one furthest away hoping that they will open a new lane near me. As soon as I head in that direction, some woman shopping to resupply an Army regiment slides around the far corner and gets in my destination lane. Oh hell! That always happens!

Just then, two lanes back, a cashier comes out and tells the lady that's next in that line to step over to a new lane. I look around anxiously to see if anyone else is going to move over. Nobody moves. so I excuse myself and cut through the two lines between and get into that lane. Right away some bi!c# in the first lane yells, "Hey, there's a line, you know!"

I turn around calmly and say to the woman, " You're in the line for the other lane. If you wanted to get into this lane, why didn't you move? But, wait, forgive my rudeness. Surely I can see by your smug look that you are far more entitled to the shorter wait than lowly old me. I would be more than willing to allow you to take your rightful place in front of me if you wish!" To which the people in the immediate area all snickered and turned their faces away!

You know what really grinds me? I emphatically follow the important rules of polite society. Just ask anyone that knows me. They'll tell you. I'm a stickler for the rules, well, at least the rules that make sense. Rules that are stupid can get in line behind that bitty at Costco! It really burns me when people try to make me look stupid or rude when I am clearly not the one without manners!

Anyway, that's how my Friday's going. Better luck tomorrow~

O God and Heavenly Father,
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;
courage to change that which can be changed,
and wisdom to know the one from the other,
through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Spinning Wheel

SPINNING WHEEL
D. Clayton / Thomas)
Blood, Sweat, & Tears - 1969

What goes up must come down
Spinning wheel got to go 'round
Talking 'bout your troubles it's a crying sin
Ride a painted pony let the Spinning wheel spin

You got no money and you got no home
Spinning wheel all alone
Talking 'bout your troubles and you never learn
Ride a painted pony let the Spinning wheel turn

Did you find the directing sign on the
Straight and narrow highway
Would you mind a reflecting sign
Just let it shine within your mind
And show you the colours that are real

Someone is waiting just for you
Spinning wheel, Spinning true
Drop all your troubles by the riverside
(1: Catch a painted pony on the spinning wheel ride)
(2: Ride a painted pony let the spinning wheel fly)

Okay, so you wanna know what that has to do with me?

I currently aspire to be spinning my wheels. I'd give anything to at least have that much momentum. Spinning wheels would indicate the engaging of gears of some kind, something I currently can't find the motivation to achieve. I feel like I'm stuck in neutral, just waiting for some source of energy to start me in any direction.

Oh, occasionally some force makes contact with me and I go careening off to complete some task, grocery shopping, a birthday party, a committee meeting. But when the source of motion is long gone, I come to rest again.

Once in awhile I even get to feel the joy of being pushed over the top of a hill. These moments are actually exhilarating. I soon pick up speed, maybe fix my hair, put on some make-up. I really engage with my surroundings. But once again, after the momentum is gone, I come to rest and cannot seem to initiate motion again on my own.

To put it succinctly, this really sucks! I am in such a funk and I can't seem to rescue myself. I pray, I promise, I even try to bribe myself. I make plans, set goals, create to-do lists. But without an outside source of forward momentum, I lay motionless. It's really becoming pitiful.

I thought once the weather improved I would snap out of it, but that hasn't happened yet. I had hoped to get in the motor home and go visiting for a while, but with the transmission leaking, I don't dare take a chance, and my mechanic has been incommunicado for almost a week now so no sign of when that will be repaired.

I have my appointment at the Michigan Works office next week. Maybe that will bring the resolution I have been waiting for to get me out of this blah blah land that I am living in. Hopefully they will have good news for me.

Dear God, It's me, Michele. Please help me to contribute to society in a positive way. Please help me to feel valued. Please comfort me in my times of darkness and despair. I know that you have plans for me. Please help me to be patient in learning what those plans are and give me the courage to go in the direction you are leading me.
Amen

Nightmares at the gym

So, remember that nightmare you have were you are standing in front of a large crowd and you realize you are naked? Oh, you've never had that one? That must be my nightmare then. Yikes!

Today my dreams finally came true! Sort of. Well, not really, but here's what happened, you be the judge.

Usually after my work out, I like to spread out on a towel in the Arizona Dry Heat Room. I put a towel over my head to block out the light, pop on some meditative music on the iPod and float away into my Arizona dreams...I usually stay around 50 - 60 minutes...til the 140* heat causes my eyelids to stick to my dried out eyeballs!

Now, before you give me some lecture about that not being very healthy and how you're only supposed to stay for up to 20 minutes, let me explain that I gradually worked my way up to that amount of time...I am perfectly fine in there! I've monitored my blood pressure and everything is A-OK!

Afterwards, I like to stretch out on a chaise in the pool room, cover up with my blanket sized towel, replace the towel over my eyes and continue listening to my iPod til my temperature and pulse return to normal. I like to be completely cooled down before I get into the shower. Nothing worse than getting out of the shower and you're still sweaty! Eww Yuck!

Today, as I'm lying there listening to whales mating or rain forest bats eating bugs or some other new age fluff, the pool attendant comes in and loudly proclaims that everyone must exit the pool room. She then turns around without explanation and disappears back into the work out room. We all look at each other rather befuddled and bewildered. Nobody is sure what she means or why.

I get all my things together and walk into the locker room to find out what is going on. A few of the ladies tug their clothing on over wet bathing suits and head for the door. A few others just go back to their beauty routines and gossipping. I ask the lady using the locker next to mine what this is all about. She says she's not sure, but she heard they want us all dressed and out of there.

Well, I was soaked in sweat. There was no way I was going outside in that condition. I figured as long as it was going to take some of those old birds to get dressed, I could get in and out of the shower and still beat them out the door. So I grabbed my toilette and towels and headed back in. I was in the military for 12 years...I can shit, shower and shave faster than anyone I know! I was in and out in about two minutes and back at my locker before my old friend got her duffel bag out and opened.

So I grab my lotion and start slathering it on as fast as I can and just as I draw a stream of it across my arm and onto my chest, the entire Harper Woods Fire Department walks past my locker! Holy Toledo! The locker room attendant yells, "man on deck!" and gives me a dirty look as she saunters on by and says, "I told you to get dressed!"

Well, I can only imagine what my face must have looked like from the other side! I was utterly flabbergasted! The old gal next to me started laughing so hard her uppers slid out! Another old bird walked out of one of the dressing booths only half clad and said, "hell, I ain't got nuttin dem boys ain't seen afore!" Well, maybe she's right, but most of those boys were under 25 and I'm sure they hadn't seen it like she was showing it! lol

The old gal next to me dropped her towel to the floor and proceeded to get dressed as if it was just another day at the gym! I modestly opted to grab my garments and head for the nearest changing booth. They may have seen it before, but they weren't gonna be mortified by mine! hahaha

Turns out one of the guests thought she smelled Carbon Monoxide. Now before you say it, yes, we all know you can't smell Carbon Monoxide, but that's what she kept insisting on...Based on the high standard of sanitation of the staff, I'd say she probably smelled the years and layers of dust/hair/grime burning off the heat vent slats when the hot room fans turn on. It's no wonder they are closing down that location at the end of the month.