For a while now, I've been sitting on the knowledge that the man on my birth certificate was not my father. I can't say I wasn't relieved to discover that my sister's narcissistic schizophrenic sperm donor was NOT related to me, but it did leave a pretty big empty space in my world view. At the time, I only knew that this father of mine was named Harry and that he had blonde hair.
Fast forward to 2006 when my son got his driving permit, we took a ride up to the thumb to visit my mother's high school bestie. Her and her husband were very close to my mom and knew all her dark secrets. They asked me at that time if I had any interest in finding out who my father was. I told them that I was honestly very trepidatious about the whole thing for so many reasons I won't go into at this time. But the seed was planted.
In 2014, I reconnected with a man I had dated when I was stationed in Chicago. He was adopted so we had some strong trauma bonding over not knowing our parents. He had since then connected with his bio family and was encouraging me to do so as well. I thought about it for a long time before finally reaching back out and asking my mom's friends for any details they remembered. I recall I was a little scared they might reveal they still knew him. Alas, they had only his name, spelled incorrectly, and a few memories about the night I was conceived.
I started casually looking for him at that time. I still had all my trepidations so I wasn't pressing too hard on the search button, if you know what I mean? Still, the urge to know one's origins is as strong sometimes as the need to breathe! Years went by and I became less and less interested as the leads dried up in every direction.
Then I lost my good friend this past December. He had reached out to me about 15 months prior to his death and we spent the last year plus on a roller coaster of emotions as we navigated the last little bits of his life. He once again pressed me to renew my search for my biological father. So, the week of his memorial, I took the plunge and ordered an ancestry DNA kit. The wait began.
It takes the company anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks to return results, depending on their volume, I suppose. The price always drops at the holidays so I suspect there where a LOT of kits being processed. Shortly after new year, I discovered my daughter had also purchased a kit, but had never processed it, so I encouraged her to do so, and boy was that the right little ball of energy to engage!
When I received my results, I discovered a first cousin right away. We connected through social media and tried in vain to find our way to our mutual family, me armed with the wrong spelling, and her armed with the wrong family tree (her dad, like me, was raised with a different last name than his siblings). So, we were at a dead end once again. Enter the ever-curious Emily!
Emily had taken some time off from work and once she received her results went on a mission to uncover even the smallest clues and hints. Within days she discovered not only the correct spelling of my bio family's name, but all of my ancestors, including my father and most of his siblings. With that info, it was pretty easy for me to find a current address. This was the sum of all the info I could find on him. From what we could find, it appears my father and his brothers all remained unmarried, without any sign of children. He had 2 sisters who both married and had kids, and these were the only family members we could find on social media.
So, I decided to write him a letter. Introduce him to me and send along photos of my mom, myself, and my children. I would leave it up to him to decide if he wanted to walk into that destiny or remain alone. I sent it by certified mail so that I would know he actually received it. And I sat back and waited. And waited. And waited.
Turns out, he had recently vacated his apartment due to an increase in the rent and was staying a few miles down the road with his brother, the only other address we were able to find!
I have been meditating and exercising and writing and painting and drawing and shopping and doing everything I can to keep busy as I waited to see what he would do with this information. I was doing my level best to avoid attachment to the outcome. I reread "Polishing the Mirror" by Ram Dass and I was rotating through a few of my favorite karma talks on YouTube. For my yoga class that week I had prepared a slow flow to help open hearts and planned to do the guided visual meditation in the early chapters of the book. I only had one student make it to class, but as she is one of my best friend cousins, I didn't mind at all. We chatted, and eventually decided to just do the meditation.
I always find this meditation to be particularly moving. I would love to record it to be able to listen to it back to my self instead of always being the one reciting it, however, I've never been able to get through it without sobbing. About 3/4 of the way through, my phone began to rang. I barely glanced at my phone screen as I scrambled to send it to voicemail so as not to disturb the meditation vibes, when I realize the screen says Harry. Well, that sent my resolve straight out the door and I recited that last part of the meditation is total sobs. When I finished, we looked at each other and I said, "Oh my gosh! That was Harry, I think he just left me a voice mail!"
My cousin asked if I needed a hug and we laughed at the absurdity of all of this! Even though she was planning on leaving right after the meditation, she offered to stay while I called him back. I was shaking throughout the whole of myself. I played his voicemail, noting his old man voice and chuckling that he sounded like an aging hippie who led a pretty wild life. Turns out I was not far off the mark.
I always marveled at how much nature plays a part in informing who we become just as much as nurture. I was so amazed at each turn as I got to know my adult daughter and discovered which traits and personality quirks she inherited from me. Talking with Harry, it was equally as affirming to discover how many characteristics I had gotten from him. I'll save the details until I can tell you all about our first face to face meeting. We agreed to get together for lunch when the weather breaks, (he wants to be able to ride his bike,) so for now I will just revel in the knowledge that according to him, I laugh just like my great grama Lucille.
