Origin Stories

For a while now, I've been sitting on the knowledge that the man on my birth certificate was not my father. I can't say I wasn't relieved to discover that my    sister's narcissistic schizophrenic sperm donor was NOT related to me, but it did leave a pretty big empty space in my world view. At the time, I only knew that this father of mine was named Harry and that he had blonde hair.

Fast forward to 2006 when my son got his driving permit, we took a ride up to the thumb to visit my mother's high school bestie. Her and her husband were very close to my mom and knew all her dark secrets. They asked me at that time if I had any interest in finding out who my father was. I told them that I was honestly very trepidatious about the whole thing for so many reasons I won't go into at this time. But the seed was planted.  

In 2014, I reconnected with a man I had dated when I was stationed in Chicago. He was adopted so we had some strong trauma bonding over not knowing our parents. He had since then connected with his bio family and was encouraging me to do so as well. I thought about it for a long time before finally reaching back out and asking my mom's friends for any details they remembered. I recall I was a little scared they might reveal they still knew him. Alas, they had only his name, spelled incorrectly, and a few memories about the night I was conceived.

I started casually looking for him at that time. I still had all my trepidations so I wasn't pressing too hard on the search button, if you know what I mean? Still, the urge to know one's origins is as strong sometimes as the need to breathe! Years went by and I became less and less interested as the leads dried up in every direction.   

Then I lost my good friend this past December. He had reached out to me about 15 months prior to his death and we spent the last year plus on a roller coaster of emotions as we navigated the last little bits of his life. He once again pressed me to renew my search for my biological father. So, the week of his memorial, I took the plunge and ordered an ancestry DNA kit. The wait began.  

It takes the company anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks to return results, depending on their volume, I suppose. The price always drops at the holidays so I suspect there where a LOT of kits being processed. Shortly after new year, I discovered my daughter had also purchased a kit, but had never processed it, so I encouraged her to do so, and boy was that the right little ball of energy to engage!  

When I received my results, I discovered a first cousin right away. We connected through social media and tried in vain to find our way to our mutual family, me armed with the wrong spelling, and her armed with the wrong family tree (her dad, like me, was raised with a different last name than his siblings). So, we were at a dead end once again. Enter the ever-curious Emily!   

Emily had taken some time off from work and once she received her results went on a mission to uncover even the smallest clues and hints. Within days she discovered not only the correct spelling of my bio family's name, but all of my ancestors, including my father and most of his siblings. With that info, it was pretty easy for me to find a current address. This was the sum of all the info I could find on him. From what we could find, it appears my father and his brothers all remained unmarried, without any sign of children. He had 2 sisters who both married and had kids, and these were the only family members we could find on social media.   

So, I decided to write him a letter. Introduce him to me and send along photos of my mom, myself, and my children. I would leave it up to him to decide if he wanted to walk into that destiny or remain alone. I sent it by certified mail so that I would know he actually received it. And I sat back and waited. And waited. And waited. 

Turns out, he had recently vacated his apartment due to an increase in the rent and was staying a few miles down the road with his brother, the only other address we were able to find!   

I have been meditating and exercising and writing and painting and drawing and shopping and doing everything I can to keep busy as I waited to see what he would do with this information. I was doing my level best to avoid attachment to the outcome. I reread "Polishing the Mirror" by Ram Dass and I was rotating through a few of my favorite karma talks on YouTube. For my yoga class that week I had prepared a slow flow to help open hearts and planned to do the guided visual meditation in the early chapters of the book. I only had one student make it to class, but as she is one of my best friend cousins, I didn't mind at all. We chatted, and eventually decided to just do the meditation.   

I always find this meditation to be particularly moving. I would love to record it to be able to listen to it back to my self instead of always being the one reciting it, however, I've never been able to get through it without sobbing. About 3/4 of the way through, my phone began to rang. I barely glanced at my phone screen as I scrambled to send it to voicemail so as not to disturb the meditation vibes, when I realize the screen says Harry. Well, that sent my resolve straight out the door and I recited that last part of the meditation is total sobs. When I finished, we looked at each other and I said, "Oh my gosh! That was Harry, I think he just left me a voice mail!"  

My cousin asked if I needed a hug and we laughed at the absurdity of all of this! Even though she was planning on leaving right after the meditation, she offered to stay while I called him back. I was shaking throughout the whole of myself. I played his voicemail, noting his old man voice and chuckling that he sounded like an aging hippie who led a pretty wild life. Turns out I was not far off the mark.   

I always marveled at how much nature plays a part in informing who we become just as much as nurture. I was so amazed at each turn as I got to know my adult daughter and discovered which traits and personality quirks she inherited from me. Talking with Harry, it was equally as affirming to discover how many characteristics I had gotten from him. I'll save the details until I can tell you all about our first face to face meeting. We agreed to get together for lunch when the weather breaks, (he wants to be able to ride his bike,) so for now I will just revel in the knowledge that according to him, I laugh just like my great grama Lucille.

Facebook Wisdom of the day #3

okay, so this one isn't exactly a wisdom, but for anyone that knows my family, you will admit that it is perfectly apropos!

Movie Review - Long Overdue

I'm not sure what this next semester holds for me...but I'm going to try really hard to post more frequently.

So here's the first movie review of the year - stay tuned for more:

Love and Other Drugs

Maggie has Parkinson's and Jamie is a philandering ne'er-do-well. Somehow the two of them make it work. All thru the movie I kept waiting for the words, "you...complete me". So, at it's worst it was formulaic and predictable. At it's best, it was some steamy hot sexy love story. In the middle it was the story of a boy who never really thought much of himself meeting a girl that had written herself off. Together they made a pretty good pair.

My favorite scene -


Him: I never actually knew anyone, who believed I was enough, til I met you. And then you made me believe it too. So, uh, unfortunately, I need you. And you need me.
Her: no I don't
Him: yes you do
Her: no I don't
Him: yes, you do
Her: stop it! Stop saying that
Him: you need someone to take care of you
Her: no I don't
Him: Everybody does
Her: I'm going to need you, more than you'll need me
Him: that's okay
Her: no it's not! It isn't fair. I have places to go
Him: You'll go there. I just may have to carry you
Her: I can't ask you to do that
Him: you didn't

Even though I kept envisioning him and Heath on that mountaintop - I still give this one 4 out of 5 rages

Conversations with myself

Well, there are a few things I'd like to say to a few people that just wouldn't be prudent at this time. So, I'm going to say them to myself.

Here goes:


*You really piss me off when you walk around here like little miss oh I'm so special and you're sweet to everyone but me. Get over it. I hurt your feelings. I said I'm sorry. Pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.

*I really can't figure out where I went wrong. How did you spend all that time with me and still end up thinking and acting the way you do?

*I really miss you and I don't think you put me high enough on your priority list. I feel like I should be more important to you.

*I don't understand why you continue to shut me out. I am the closest living relative they have on earth besides you. It hurts me to the point of crippling me that you won't let me be a part of their lives.

*So I took advantage of you. I was wrong to do that. But just for a moment I wanted to pretend that you hadn't done the same thing to me all those years ago.

*acknowledge me, dammit!

*I no longer have the desire to have a relationship with you. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...I won't be fooled a third time.

*if I was any lonelier, I'd be a big-haired 80s rock ballad.

Count your blessings

Yes, well, after all this time, you think I would get it. I've heard this so many times you would think it would be second nature. Yet after I've taken action to correct a wrong done to me I continue to brood over the fact of the initial wrong-doing instead of being satisfied with the ultimate outcome! What's the matter with me?


So tonight I had a conversation with my friend, the psychic. I don't pay for her services, well, just that once, but that was only for fun, mostly. I guess I'm one of those people that doesn't really want to know the future. But I don't play the lotto or read my horoscope of wish to be filthy rich and so on and so on...I digress...

So, we were talking, and as per usual she was asking me how to market her services. Now, I can't help you if you don't really want help. There's nothing more aggravating than someone asking you the same questions, over and over...yet when you say to them, "hey, I told you this last time. Didn't you try it?" and they say no, they didn't try it...what do you do with that?

So during our conversation, she pointed out the same thing she pointed out the last few times we've talked, always unsolicited, that I have this really great energy about me and the only thing preventing me from achieving my goals is my underlying attitude of having been cheated out of something. She called it my "woman scorned, but not just by love" attitude. And I always reply with, "If only you knew."

And I thought to myself, yeah, I've heard this before. And I said as much to her. So my question is this: If knowing you have a problem is half the solution, what the hell is the other half? How do you let that go? How do you release that and move on? Cuz I'll tell you, I've tried, and tried and tried.

As I was pondering this with her, I mentioned that I don't really hold any resentments toward anyone in particular, anymore. I've worked really hard this past year to forgive those who I have held the burden of resentment towards. And while we were having this conversation, I realized, it isn't someone else that I'm bitter with about any of the past grief in my life. It's me.

I realized I am mad at me! I've spent the better part of my adult life feeling duty bound to a bunch of people that never asked me to do that for them. That was my own doing! Nobody forced me to put myself last. There is no written law that says I had to put everyone else first and sacrifice my own satisfaction. As a matter of fact, the very people I felt honor-bound to please and take care of were mostly selfish people that never took my feelings into account in there decisions and actions. So why did I feel the need to do so? It's mostly me that I'm angry with! How could I have flittered away so many years?

Hmmmm, this is going to take some serious meditation and prayer.

How to forgive oneself.

Suggestions appreciated...

Happy Anniversary

So, I called Miss Sally this morning and when she answered the phone I chimed "Happy Anniversary!"

"Who's Anniversary is it?" she replied.

"Um," I paused, waiting for her to catch on. "It's June 10th, Grama."

"June 10th," she mused. "Who's Anniversary is June 10th?"

"Um, Grama, it's June 10th, Happy Anniversary." I deadpanned, hoping it would dawn on her so I wouldn't have to say it.

Silence on the other end of the line. "Um, Grama?"

"Oh, Shit!" as the realization struck her. "I'll be damned!" she exclaimed. "You know, I remembered Selena's birthday yesterday and called her to tell her Happy Birthday. I even looked at the calendar and thought to myself, 'What's on June 10th?' But for the love of God, I completely forgot my own anniversary! Well, isn't that something?"

*********************

I guess that's a testament to the adage, "Life goes on" It's been 5 1/2 years since my Papa passed. They would have been married 15 years today. Of course, they had been together nearly 35 years before that. Still, it made me a little sad to think I was the only one that woke up this morning and noted the passing of this significant date.

I can remember the day he proposed to her. I had just acquired a new vehicle that day, a Le Baron that Papa had bought from a friend after it had been in a rear end collision. He and a few of the guys had worked pretty hard on it and got it in pretty good working shape. That day I was taking her out for her maiden cruise when some friends of the family suggested we all take a ride to a local eatery, The Green Lantern, for their renowned pizza.

So, into the Le Baron we crammed. How we all fit, I'll never know. We had pizza and beer and really enjoyed the lovely spring evening and the good company. At some point someone suggested we go to Chi-Chi's cantina for some Margaritas. Back into the Le Baron we went and headed over. We were having a great time, enjoying the music and the sweet tanginess of the tequila and lime saltiness. As was typical, Papa was soaking up the attention with his beer-boozy boisterousness. Atypically, my Grama was actually having a pretty good time, too.

There was a young couple at a near-by table. At some point in the evening we realized that he had proposed to her and she had said yes. Not to be outdone, my Papa, with much pomp and circumstance, loudly proclaimed his undying love for my Grama, and proposed she finally allow him to "make an honest woman of her". Surprisingly, she said yes. Everyone cheered as we ladies quickly sprang into party-planning mode and put the foundation of the wedding plans together. They were married around 6 weeks later, surrounded by friends and family, in my aunt's and uncle's backyard on the afternoon of June 10, 1995.

Happy Anniversary Grama and Papa - and we miss you Papa! Kisses to heaven!

New Year, New Decade, New Outlook

So 2010 is looking an awful lot like 2009. And let's all agree that 2009 was just awful!

So what can be done about it?

I wake up every day and think to myself...self, this is the day we are going to be wowed by humanity and our faith will be restored! And sadly, every night I put my head on the pillow and pray, "Please God, let me say good bye to today and may tomorrow be better."

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't experience blessings every day. Some small, some subtle, some may go unnoticed and for that I am truly sorry.

But really, folks...How much yuck is one person supposed to take?

Well, at least now I am back in school. That should keep me busy enough to keep my mind off of the rest of the yuck.

Soon I will be moving out of my home...and I still haven't decided what to do about that. I have options, which is a blessing many folks don't have. And I am very appreciative of that, even if I don't always express that.

I suppose I need to get around to finishing up the packing. I've been cracking at it a little at a time. I suppose the procrastination is my way of avoiding the inevitable. I know it won't work, but hey, I'm human.

Well, it's late and I have an early morning meeting.

I leave with this prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, please look after my children. Guide their actions and decisions along a path that will find them safe and protect them with Your Holy Spirit. Give them the strength to face the challenges of each new day. Help them to see Your ways. Protect my friends and family and co-workers. Give peace to those who are troubled. Heal those that are sick. And may we all delight in your will and walk in your ways. Amen

some much needed R & R

So I'm off of school for a few weeks and as of Wed will be off of work for a week and a half and next week my super awesome uncle is flying me to Vegas for New Years Eve. I am so looking forward to this. I feel like I have lost so much this year, I think I really really deserve some fun time.

Let's review:



I lost the job that told me who I was. I am in the process of losing my house. I lost my sister to Cancer, (but at least was able to reconcile with here first) but in the process, lost my family to petty BS. My 18 year old has decided he doesn't want to play by the rules anymore so I am losing him.

It's been a sucky ass year for me!

But here are the things I am thankful for (with caveats):

I got my sister back, if only for a brief moment in time (see above)
I got my bestest cousin back after 30 years (and I'm so glad to find out she's just as crazy/wonderful as me!)
I have my health (although this kick class is making me feel my age some days!)
I learned how to fall in love again (even if it was fleeting)
I have a wonderfully loving BFF who supports the hell out of me, even when I'm an asshole (even though she's a really bad influence on me and plies me with wine right before kick class!)
My BFFs children love the hell out of me, even when I tell them I have nothing for them for Xmas (and then I took them to see a movie instead, with pop and popcorn!)
I have wonderful friends who are more precious to me than any family member ever tried to be. (and I'm so glad they are all crazy/wonderful like me!)
I have two wonderfully fantastic friends who were friends of my mom's who have done more for me than they will ever know. (I feel like they have helped me get to know the woman that she was since I lost her before we got that far)
My crappy job has some fantastic perks (Pistons Suits, after hours events with drinking, hob-knobbing with impotant peeps)
The crazy Canadian Governor with the really big facial mole is paying for me to get an education so I can finally get the recognition for the skill levels I have. (even though I will never be able to find a good paying job once I get said degree!)
I was paid by DuPont long enough to have the money to buy a new car when my van finally crapped out on me. (I miss the van, but I love my little clown car!)
And last but definitely not least, I am loved by God. (though why I sometimes can't understand!)

So for now I'll cry in my wine and maybe spend a few days in bed, and then when I'm over that, I'll pack my bags and go to Vegas, where maybe I'll find a husband! Stranger things have happened!

Peace be to you during this crazy, frantic, mixed up time of the year that is supposed to be about the Savior and NOT about the savings!

Bah Humbug!

Here's what I don't get...if it really is the thought that counts, and not the actual gift...what the heck is everyone doing driving themselves into debt to buy all this crap for their kids, their families and their friends? How did we go from celebrating the birth of our savior to this commercialized orgy of materialism?

I've decided to cancel Xmas this year.


Other than celebrating the prayerful praises of a God that loved me enough to make the greatest sacrifice so that I may live eternally in a relationship with Him, I will not be participating in any of the other stuff...I will have to fake it thru a few parties that I have been obligated to attend, but it will be fake. I will not even attempt to muster up even the least bit of a holiday spirit.

I am not baking, doing cards, buying gifts of any kind, cooking and/or eating if I can get away with it. I've got some time off between school semesters and some time off my Oh, so wonderful new job and I'm going to get some things in order and start the new year fresh. So if in the meantime I seem to step on your elfish spirit, well, excuse me! I've had a rough G-D year and I think I get to be an ass for a while.

Please come check back after the most wonderful time of the year and meet the new me. I'm hoping to find her somewhere out in Vegas during the holiday break.

Peace!

I Yam what I Yam!

I want to know who made up the rule that blood is thicker than water? I mean, really? Why is it that we feel this unrealistic sense of obligation to people for whom our greatest commanality is often times only DNA? Why is it okay for the ones we love to be so agregiously awful to us? Who says it's okay for these people to hurt us just because we're their loved ones? I mean, really?

Recently I was accused of being better to my friends than I am to my own family. Well, maybe that's because my friends have always loved me unconditionally. Maybe because my friends always come to my rescue when needed and never serve me with the bill. Maybe God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to give me, through friendship, the family that genetics and bad luck cheated me out of. I mean, really!

I once had a therapist who told me that I should remove toxic people from my life, even if they are family. He told me I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to take a step back from them when I needed it. I have recently been taking an inventory of those things about myself that I could use some improvements on. I know that I am not so good at the forgiveness thing and I am working dilligently on this. I am the first to recognise that I am an imperfect creature and I have a lot of work to do before I leave this world. I am not opposed to a little constructive critisism here and there. Let it never be said that I am not constantly seeking self improvement.

But you know what? If you can't figure out how to tell me you are not happy with me without sinking to petty, immature, name calling, you can go flock yourself! I'm not a rug - you do not have permission to walk all over me. I Yam what I Yam and I make no excuses for it!

That's all I have to say on that!