Stupid is as stupid does

How Crazy Is That?

This is how ridiculously outrageous our society's sense of beauty has impacted practically logical people: After years of battling with weight issues, at one time getting up to a whopping size 22, I am sitting here in my size 12 jeans thinking to myself, yeesh, I feel fat. 

How Crazy Is That?

I am in the same size Marilyn Monroe wore. I am voluptuous, sexy, proportioned, and even better than all of those things, I'm fit, healthy, and hearty. 

So why am I sitting here bemoaning the "spare tire" I see sitting above my waistband? Stupid magazines and TV shows. Stupid Barbie Dolls and teen idols. The worst part is, I've never had body issues. I've always been comfortable in the skin I'm in. And yet...here I am, feeling all bloated, and guilt-ridden for eating an entire bag of Cheddar Jalapenos Cheetos. 

So, I will drink this entire glass of wine, finish my Cheetos, and go do a handful of crunches. Hopefully that will assuage my guilty conscience. 

Isn't it Romantic?

So, I was SUPPOSED to have a weekend away at a romantic getaway with a certain someone. Instead, I got a weekend of wishing I was anywhere but here. I think it is definitely time to move on. I think I am discovering that I'm not the kind of person that sticks around. There's just never anything to keep my attention for any length of time. 

That is all for now. 

Everything Changes yet Everything Stays the Same

Just returned from a 2 week "break". I decided to try to see things thru fresh eyes. Funny, it all filters into the same images as before. Maybe next time I take a real vacation. One without computers, cell phones, appointments, schedules, etc. I need a "Calgon, take me away" kind of break. 

Facebook Wisdom of the day #3

okay, so this one isn't exactly a wisdom, but for anyone that knows my family, you will admit that it is perfectly apropos!

Movie Review - Long Overdue

I'm not sure what this next semester holds for me...but I'm going to try really hard to post more frequently.

So here's the first movie review of the year - stay tuned for more:

Love and Other Drugs

Maggie has Parkinson's and Jamie is a philandering ne'er-do-well. Somehow the two of them make it work. All thru the movie I kept waiting for the words, "you...complete me". So, at it's worst it was formulaic and predictable. At it's best, it was some steamy hot sexy love story. In the middle it was the story of a boy who never really thought much of himself meeting a girl that had written herself off. Together they made a pretty good pair.

My favorite scene -


Him: I never actually knew anyone, who believed I was enough, til I met you. And then you made me believe it too. So, uh, unfortunately, I need you. And you need me.
Her: no I don't
Him: yes you do
Her: no I don't
Him: yes, you do
Her: stop it! Stop saying that
Him: you need someone to take care of you
Her: no I don't
Him: Everybody does
Her: I'm going to need you, more than you'll need me
Him: that's okay
Her: no it's not! It isn't fair. I have places to go
Him: You'll go there. I just may have to carry you
Her: I can't ask you to do that
Him: you didn't

Even though I kept envisioning him and Heath on that mountaintop - I still give this one 4 out of 5 rages

Birthday Smirthday

So, Wednesday marks 41 times around the sun for me. Big whoop. I'm really not afraid of that number. I'm not angry about the stiffness in my joints every morning. I'm not resentful of the fact that I have to squint a little to read the Sunday crossword. I'm not even upset about the handful of white hairs that have suddenly popped up around my hairline. I'm not a vain person. I have always embraced the idea of growing older, always looked forward to proudly wearing my wrinkles earned through a full life. It's everything else attached to my birthday that makes me want to crawl in a cave and hide til next week.

My little sister was born in the middle of my 3rd birthday party and I've had very few pleasant birthday memories since. And now that she's gone I can't think of my birthday without thinking about her. And I can't think about her without thinking about all the crap attached to that.

Plus, thinking about my birthday makes me have to think about how yet another year has gone by and I'm further away from where I thought I'd be by now. I just wish my birthday would go away.

I'm really trying to get to the place where I can let all this go. I know I should be grateful for the blessings I have instead of being hung up on what I don't have. If you have any hints or tips on how to do that, let me know.

A Life So Tragic

Okay, So I know this isn't as tragic as I make it out to be, but this morning when I went to put jam on my pancakes (weird, I know, but stay with me) I noticed it smelled a little funny. So I thought I'd look to see if it had an expiration date. It did. It was Last month. I almost cried. The lonely hearts out their will understand my grief. I swear, it never occurred to me before that moment that I'd ever have a jar of jam long enough to reach an expiration date.

That is all.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empty_nest_syndrome

Oh, and Happy Birthday to Miss Sally. 80 years young today.

FGOs

FGOs (Effing Growth Opportunities)

Saw this acronym on a post on one of the blogs I follow - gonna adopt it into my vernacular, I think. It aptly describes the last 10 years of my life. Wait, who am I kidding? It describes the last 41 years of my life~!

My biological clock stopped ticking...

I saw this cute movie the other day called TiMer. The premise of the story is that people can go to this electonics company and have a timer implanted on their wrist. The timer will countdown the exact hours, minutes, and seconds until you can expect to meet your soul mate. Only the timer doesn't activate until your souldmate has a timer installed also.

The idea got me thinking, my luck is so awful when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm quite certain if I installed one it would immediately display negative 175,316hours 15 minutes and 18 seconds(20 years)

If you know any decent eligible bachelors, point them my way!

some much needed R & R

So I'm off of school for a few weeks and as of Wed will be off of work for a week and a half and next week my super awesome uncle is flying me to Vegas for New Years Eve. I am so looking forward to this. I feel like I have lost so much this year, I think I really really deserve some fun time.

Let's review:



I lost the job that told me who I was. I am in the process of losing my house. I lost my sister to Cancer, (but at least was able to reconcile with here first) but in the process, lost my family to petty BS. My 18 year old has decided he doesn't want to play by the rules anymore so I am losing him.

It's been a sucky ass year for me!

But here are the things I am thankful for (with caveats):

I got my sister back, if only for a brief moment in time (see above)
I got my bestest cousin back after 30 years (and I'm so glad to find out she's just as crazy/wonderful as me!)
I have my health (although this kick class is making me feel my age some days!)
I learned how to fall in love again (even if it was fleeting)
I have a wonderfully loving BFF who supports the hell out of me, even when I'm an asshole (even though she's a really bad influence on me and plies me with wine right before kick class!)
My BFFs children love the hell out of me, even when I tell them I have nothing for them for Xmas (and then I took them to see a movie instead, with pop and popcorn!)
I have wonderful friends who are more precious to me than any family member ever tried to be. (and I'm so glad they are all crazy/wonderful like me!)
I have two wonderfully fantastic friends who were friends of my mom's who have done more for me than they will ever know. (I feel like they have helped me get to know the woman that she was since I lost her before we got that far)
My crappy job has some fantastic perks (Pistons Suits, after hours events with drinking, hob-knobbing with impotant peeps)
The crazy Canadian Governor with the really big facial mole is paying for me to get an education so I can finally get the recognition for the skill levels I have. (even though I will never be able to find a good paying job once I get said degree!)
I was paid by DuPont long enough to have the money to buy a new car when my van finally crapped out on me. (I miss the van, but I love my little clown car!)
And last but definitely not least, I am loved by God. (though why I sometimes can't understand!)

So for now I'll cry in my wine and maybe spend a few days in bed, and then when I'm over that, I'll pack my bags and go to Vegas, where maybe I'll find a husband! Stranger things have happened!

Peace be to you during this crazy, frantic, mixed up time of the year that is supposed to be about the Savior and NOT about the savings!

She's got the "look"

Okay, so you know that look you give to the sweet-faced little "mentally challenged" girl when she coyly turns her cherubic face to you, bats her eyelashes, grins and waves? You know the one...the one that says, "Awe, what a cute little retarded girl. Isn't she precious?" (yes, I realize that is not very PC, but we all think it anyway!) Yeah, well, I got that look three times today. What's up with that?

Okay, the first one I admit, I probably deserved...I was driving north on Groesbeck at 4:45pm today. It was warmish and sunny and I had the windows down when Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" came on. That song practically defines my teen years! I can't help getting all dramatic and emotional and singing alomg with that one.

So there I am, driving down the road and singing along with Susan Sulley, "...I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true..." when this truck in the next lane slows to my pace. I look over and the driver is giving me that look! If it were practically any other song, I would've been embarassed, but I defy you to resist singing along with that iconic 80's tune.

Well, actually, to be perfectly honest, there's actually a plethora of songs I will sing along to with no regard for my appearance, much to the chagrin of my 17 year old son. But can I really be blamed? The 80s where rife with ballads that spoke to my angst-filled adolescent psyche, I just can't help myself! After all, I am a big dork!

The other two occurences, however, were completely unprovoked. I was compelled to seek out my reflection just to see if I had a booger hanging from my nose or something. I know, right?

I <3 Sex Education

I was driving home today when I happened upon a couple of guys walking toward me from the other side of the road. I could tell one of them had some kind of something bundled in the crook of his left arm. As I pulled up to the stop light, he noticed me looking and immediately changed his posture and adjusted the bundle. I could see then that he was carrying a baby simulator, one of the most inventive, yet statistically non-productive, teaching tools of the 20th century.

He must have thought I was someone he knew because right away, he corrected his hand positions and began to cradle the baby's head with one hand, while supporting the baby's bottom with his other. I smiled and giggled and when he realized he didn't know me at all, he blushed and relaxed his hold on the little joy. His buddy punched him in the arm and I could hear them berating each other with terms of endearment known to parents of teenage boys nation wide!

Oh, the websites spout research and statistics touting their substantive evidence that real life experience is proven to be effective in teaching kids about the reality of raising children. But when you think about it, in my generation we only had the menstruation video and we didn't have pregnancy pacts back then!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=5215182&page=1

While I don't advocate abstinence only policies, I do think it is important for children to be made aware of the consequences of their actions. I think the best thing we can do as parents is to raise our children to have the self confidence and self value to know they will make good decisions.

In the mean time, I think the humiliation these boys endures, while ineffective, sure is entertaining!

Weekend at the Movies

17 Again

Should be titled Same Old Story Again

If you've seen Freaky Friday, Big, 13 Going on 30, or any other variation on this theme, you can skip this movie. That is, unless you absolutely don't mind watching Zach Ephron for an hour and a half. He is rather dreamy.

I give it 1 rages.

Also watched My Best Friend's Girl. Typical Dane Cook filth. I'm really surprised to see Kate Hudson in this one. She isn't known for selecting the most artsy scripts to tie her wagon to, but I'd never peg her for being into the type of vulgarity Dane Cook is known for. Alec Baldwinb turned in an excellent performance as Dane's priggish heathen womanizing douchebag father. Somehow I don't feel the role was a huge stretch for the old guy. The thing I find the hardeswt to swallow about most of Mr. Cooks movies is the continual theme that women really desire to be treated like total crap and that if you want to find true love, you should lie like a dog and trick the woman into falling for you.

I give it 1 rages.

Nightmares at the gym

So, remember that nightmare you have were you are standing in front of a large crowd and you realize you are naked? Oh, you've never had that one? That must be my nightmare then. Yikes!

Today my dreams finally came true! Sort of. Well, not really, but here's what happened, you be the judge.

Usually after my work out, I like to spread out on a towel in the Arizona Dry Heat Room. I put a towel over my head to block out the light, pop on some meditative music on the iPod and float away into my Arizona dreams...I usually stay around 50 - 60 minutes...til the 140* heat causes my eyelids to stick to my dried out eyeballs!

Now, before you give me some lecture about that not being very healthy and how you're only supposed to stay for up to 20 minutes, let me explain that I gradually worked my way up to that amount of time...I am perfectly fine in there! I've monitored my blood pressure and everything is A-OK!

Afterwards, I like to stretch out on a chaise in the pool room, cover up with my blanket sized towel, replace the towel over my eyes and continue listening to my iPod til my temperature and pulse return to normal. I like to be completely cooled down before I get into the shower. Nothing worse than getting out of the shower and you're still sweaty! Eww Yuck!

Today, as I'm lying there listening to whales mating or rain forest bats eating bugs or some other new age fluff, the pool attendant comes in and loudly proclaims that everyone must exit the pool room. She then turns around without explanation and disappears back into the work out room. We all look at each other rather befuddled and bewildered. Nobody is sure what she means or why.

I get all my things together and walk into the locker room to find out what is going on. A few of the ladies tug their clothing on over wet bathing suits and head for the door. A few others just go back to their beauty routines and gossipping. I ask the lady using the locker next to mine what this is all about. She says she's not sure, but she heard they want us all dressed and out of there.

Well, I was soaked in sweat. There was no way I was going outside in that condition. I figured as long as it was going to take some of those old birds to get dressed, I could get in and out of the shower and still beat them out the door. So I grabbed my toilette and towels and headed back in. I was in the military for 12 years...I can shit, shower and shave faster than anyone I know! I was in and out in about two minutes and back at my locker before my old friend got her duffel bag out and opened.

So I grab my lotion and start slathering it on as fast as I can and just as I draw a stream of it across my arm and onto my chest, the entire Harper Woods Fire Department walks past my locker! Holy Toledo! The locker room attendant yells, "man on deck!" and gives me a dirty look as she saunters on by and says, "I told you to get dressed!"

Well, I can only imagine what my face must have looked like from the other side! I was utterly flabbergasted! The old gal next to me started laughing so hard her uppers slid out! Another old bird walked out of one of the dressing booths only half clad and said, "hell, I ain't got nuttin dem boys ain't seen afore!" Well, maybe she's right, but most of those boys were under 25 and I'm sure they hadn't seen it like she was showing it! lol

The old gal next to me dropped her towel to the floor and proceeded to get dressed as if it was just another day at the gym! I modestly opted to grab my garments and head for the nearest changing booth. They may have seen it before, but they weren't gonna be mortified by mine! hahaha

Turns out one of the guests thought she smelled Carbon Monoxide. Now before you say it, yes, we all know you can't smell Carbon Monoxide, but that's what she kept insisting on...Based on the high standard of sanitation of the staff, I'd say she probably smelled the years and layers of dust/hair/grime burning off the heat vent slats when the hot room fans turn on. It's no wonder they are closing down that location at the end of the month.

The Osmonds

OMG! How much did you love em?



reposted from http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/

Publik Skule

On my way to the gym this morning, the local station was discussing the financial situation of Flint Public Schools. If you aren't familiar with Flint, MI, let's just say, same as Detroit, but on a smaller scale. So the reporter seemed to be quoting some council member of some sort, a Flint Public School Board member if I had to guess, and read the following: (I've paraphrased)

"Flint will be closing 8 schools at the end of the year. Closing 1/3 of our 35 schools will save us $3.9MM."

Apparently, Flint Public Schools will not be expected to churn out any Mathletes any time soon!

The Old Lady

So, my golden retriever will be 13 in another month (we think, she's a rescue so age is estimated, but we've always used Easter as her "birthday"). We've been very fortunate in that she has not yet lost continence, well, for the most part. I know that this is a common problem with retrievers around this time in their lives. What she DOES have, is a SHART problem.

**WARNING - this may get a little gross**

For those who don't know what a SHART is, it's when you think you're going to cut the cheese, and instead, you pop out a wee little nugget. Yeah, it's gross, but I warned you it would be!

So, anyway, she's getting to the point were she doesn't ask to go out anymore. She just wanders around the house and sighs alot. Then when you get the hint and ask her if she needs to go out, she jumps up and pops out a shart. Like she's been holding it for so long, the exertion causes the incident!

And what's even funnier is the embarrassment she displays subsequent to these "episodes". She looks downright ashamed! This always amuses me. There's this old saying that goes something like "Doggie farts, warms my heart". But that she actually feels bad about doing this really cracks me up.

This runs completely against how humans behave at that age. I mean, there's these old ladies at my gym that are constantly fouling up the air quality around the treadmills, and believe you me, the deep breathing one does while running on the treadmill can be dang near devastating when one of these grannies craps her pants! And what's worse, they actually get offended if you make faces or noises of disgust. One of them "tched" me the other day when I groaned and started waving my towel in an attempt to fan the air!

Boy,I hope I have as much dignity as my Sheila has when I get older. I sure love that old girl!

OCD – Oh yeah, I have it.

So, an interesting quirk of my compulsive behaviors is that I am obsessed with even numbers. This means that when I eat candies, I have to eat the same quantity on each side of my mouth. If I end up with an uneven # of M & Ms at the end of the bag, I have to throw them away. And then add in the fact that there are different colors! One brown, one light brown, one red, each side. One green, one blue, each side. Mars would make me a very happy freak if they would stick to a pattern when filling their bags. Oh, and Mike and Ike’s! There are never enough green candies to eat more than half of a box.



This even number compulsion extends to every corner of my consciousness. Take for example my freakish need to have the TV volume set to a level divisible by 5. 25, 30, 35. My TV likes odd #s, so it can take me a minute or two to get the volume to land on 30, which then insites the ire of my equally OCD son. FM radio makes me insane! All those odd #s! I usually prefer to leave it on NPR and switch the display to clock setting so I don’t have to see it. That or I just pop in my iPod and try to forget about it.

It’s not an easy life for us freaks, but at least some of us have amusing quirks that redeem us instead of controlling us.

RISK FREE TRIAL

This morning Nellie stops me in the cafeteria and asks how I am doing. Now, this is like asking the widow at a funeral home how SHE is doing. We know it's a stupid question. We know the answer before we ask it, and yet we can't help ourselves, can we?

So, I reply that I am doing as well as can be expected. I'm not going to lie to her, but I'm not going to lay it all on her, either. She was really only trying to be polite. It's not like we're pals or anything.

So then I tell her about China and Darfur and all of that. She tells me I must have a lot of courage to be contemplating such assignments. I don't really feel courageous, I just feel like I have the skills needed and nothing to keep me from it, so...

Then she pulls me closer and in hushed tones says, "Maybe you would know how to help me!"

I'm intrigued. So I ask her to elaborate.

She then tells me that she got into some trouble. See, what happened is, she was on the interwebs interwebbing, and she saw this advert for a risk free trial of Acai Berry. It was just $10 for the shipping and handling, so she decided to try it. Five months later, she noticed that she was being charge $79/month for the stuff.

**First of all, friends and family, do yourselves a flavor and check your dang statements EVERY month. Scrutinize those puppies! Every day there are stories in the news about identity theft. With all the technology available, you should be checking this stuff online every few days. You should be able to identify unrequested charges immediately and report them to your banks and/or credit card companies immediately!**

It took her several attempts to cancel, she was either kept on hold for long periods of time or couldn't get thru the links on the Internet web-site.

Finally, she was able to cancel her subscription for the product, but now she wants to know how she can get her money back?

Let me tell you what Ms. Sally always told me,

"If it seems to good to be true, it probably is."

and

"There's no such thing as a free lunch!"


There's this thing called GOOGLE. Learn how to use it and save yourself much heartache and many $$$

There are over 130,000 possible matches on Google for "acai berry risk free trial" and 32,500 for "acai berry risk free trial scam"

Page after page of consumer complaints. There's even an account about how even if you cancel out of the risk free trial order form without ordering, they will track you down and hound you for an order.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU INTERWEB!!!