Bloom Where You Are Planted

Last night I participated in a lovely Full Moon Ceremony presented by my lovely teacher, Christie Jane Cairo of the https://www.momoyoga.com/the-christie-cairo-project/ . It was a dynamic practice of clearing all the weeds from your karmic garden to allow your inner lotus space to bloom. We started out by setting our intentions, creating a circle of protection and then bravely severing all the attachments holding us back from becoming the best versions of ourselves. 

We did an exercise where we wrote a letter to ourselves from our fears. Historically, I usually have trouble finding words when prompted in a class environment. I'm more of a secret writer. I usually like to hide in my office and clack away at the keyboard and let the words flow from my inner inspiration. But last night, I don't know if it was the protective circle, the presence of my lovely teacher, the friends and family that joined me in my space or just the combination of all of the previously listed inspo combined with this transformational energy that I have been manifesting, but man did the words come flowing!

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Here is my letter from Fear:

Dearest Michele,

I am your fear and I want to tell you this - I will ALWAYS raise the alarm when I think something might hurt us. It is the only job I have and I take it seriously. But as I see you getting stronger, and wiser, and braver, I understand that you will no longer be taking my feelings into consideration when making decisions. I want you to know that I am OK with this. I choose US even when I am standing in the middle of the rooming screaming at the top of my lungs, "STOP! DON'T GO THERE! DON'T DO THAT! IT'S NOT SAFE!" Please go boldly toward our best self. That's all I've ever wanted for us. 

Love,

FEAR

And here is my reply:

My dear friend Fear,

You have served us well over the years, my friend. You have saved us from so much pain and kept us from being hurt many times. But darling, you have also kept us from so much joy as well. 

Although I will never leave you behind, I think it's time for you to set down your gongs, your pots and pans, your klaxon alarms and bells and whistles. I've got this. You have taught us well. Our discernment is developing greatly. 

Now, my friend, is time for you to sit down, take a load off. Enjoy the ride. And if you can't enjoy the ride, take a nap, take your mind off things. I'll let you know when we get there!

Love, 

Me, gloriously radiant ME!

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There has been this theme running through the mindfulness circles this season. I have seen it repeated in the tv shows I watch, the movies, and books, even the music I'm attracted to. I've been listening to lectures from all the masters and gurus and it's the same message:

When will you get tired of trying to be the person you think you are supposed to be and become the person you always were meant to be?

I was watching one of my favorite shows, This Is Us. In the 5 or 6 seasons it has been airing, I think I've only made it thru 2 or 3 episodes without sobbing from the great messages of reconciliation the writers offer each week. This past episode, one of the main characters finally hit that point. Here's the scene, he's in a hospital room with a fellow recovering alcoholic. She's unconscious so he's just sitting with her and he starts to think out loud. 

"Do you ever feel like you're performing in a movie that no one else is watching?...Like you're always trying to do the right thing. You're trying to be the right kind of person instead of just, being that person...I wanna be the kind of man that does the right thing because it's the right thing to do."

Man, I really felt that. For some time now I have struggled with repeating the same old scene and ending up with the same results and I get so frustrated with myself for seemingly being unable to stop myself from ending up in these same toxic behaviors. I've been discovering a lot about my biological father, and unironically, he has repeated this same pattern throughout his life. Well, there you go, generational karmas? Nature over nurture? Just learning this about him made me feel so much better about my own struggle. Like, seeing that mirror made me feel so much less shitty about not being able to see every time that I was falling back into those patterns. 

The other day I shared a comic with my yoga tribe, it's from @dinosandcomics on IG. In the first panel, the raptor tells the T-Rex, "you just need to be yourself." and the dino replies, "I can do that." Then the raptor clarifies, "not your actual self, of course," he tells the T-Rex. "The self you would be if you weren't so shitty." Oh, how we let the world convince us that we are anything but radiant! 

For me, I have this tendency to view any attempt that falls short of perfection as a sign of what a failure I truly am. I tend to see these failures as an indication that enlightenment is unattainable and "not for people like me." It's terribly frustrating. I just sabotage any progress with my wrong belief that not being perfect means I can't be better. These pitfalls are so common that the masters all have written about them, but somehow I never identified with that message before this season. My teacher posted a lovely quote from Pema Chodron that really put me in my place!

"When people start to meditate or to work with any kind of spiritual discipline, they often think that somehow they're going to improve, which is sort of a subtle aggression against who they really are. But lovingkindness, or maitri, toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy after all those years. We can still be timid, or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves. Meditation isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and becoming something better. It is about be-friending who we already are. 

Who will you bloom into if you stop ripping up the sprouts with the weeds?

Namaste!