Nightmares at the gym

So, remember that nightmare you have were you are standing in front of a large crowd and you realize you are naked? Oh, you've never had that one? That must be my nightmare then. Yikes!

Today my dreams finally came true! Sort of. Well, not really, but here's what happened, you be the judge.

Usually after my work out, I like to spread out on a towel in the Arizona Dry Heat Room. I put a towel over my head to block out the light, pop on some meditative music on the iPod and float away into my Arizona dreams...I usually stay around 50 - 60 minutes...til the 140* heat causes my eyelids to stick to my dried out eyeballs!

Now, before you give me some lecture about that not being very healthy and how you're only supposed to stay for up to 20 minutes, let me explain that I gradually worked my way up to that amount of time...I am perfectly fine in there! I've monitored my blood pressure and everything is A-OK!

Afterwards, I like to stretch out on a chaise in the pool room, cover up with my blanket sized towel, replace the towel over my eyes and continue listening to my iPod til my temperature and pulse return to normal. I like to be completely cooled down before I get into the shower. Nothing worse than getting out of the shower and you're still sweaty! Eww Yuck!

Today, as I'm lying there listening to whales mating or rain forest bats eating bugs or some other new age fluff, the pool attendant comes in and loudly proclaims that everyone must exit the pool room. She then turns around without explanation and disappears back into the work out room. We all look at each other rather befuddled and bewildered. Nobody is sure what she means or why.

I get all my things together and walk into the locker room to find out what is going on. A few of the ladies tug their clothing on over wet bathing suits and head for the door. A few others just go back to their beauty routines and gossipping. I ask the lady using the locker next to mine what this is all about. She says she's not sure, but she heard they want us all dressed and out of there.

Well, I was soaked in sweat. There was no way I was going outside in that condition. I figured as long as it was going to take some of those old birds to get dressed, I could get in and out of the shower and still beat them out the door. So I grabbed my toilette and towels and headed back in. I was in the military for 12 years...I can shit, shower and shave faster than anyone I know! I was in and out in about two minutes and back at my locker before my old friend got her duffel bag out and opened.

So I grab my lotion and start slathering it on as fast as I can and just as I draw a stream of it across my arm and onto my chest, the entire Harper Woods Fire Department walks past my locker! Holy Toledo! The locker room attendant yells, "man on deck!" and gives me a dirty look as she saunters on by and says, "I told you to get dressed!"

Well, I can only imagine what my face must have looked like from the other side! I was utterly flabbergasted! The old gal next to me started laughing so hard her uppers slid out! Another old bird walked out of one of the dressing booths only half clad and said, "hell, I ain't got nuttin dem boys ain't seen afore!" Well, maybe she's right, but most of those boys were under 25 and I'm sure they hadn't seen it like she was showing it! lol

The old gal next to me dropped her towel to the floor and proceeded to get dressed as if it was just another day at the gym! I modestly opted to grab my garments and head for the nearest changing booth. They may have seen it before, but they weren't gonna be mortified by mine! hahaha

Turns out one of the guests thought she smelled Carbon Monoxide. Now before you say it, yes, we all know you can't smell Carbon Monoxide, but that's what she kept insisting on...Based on the high standard of sanitation of the staff, I'd say she probably smelled the years and layers of dust/hair/grime burning off the heat vent slats when the hot room fans turn on. It's no wonder they are closing down that location at the end of the month.