Dear Roommate

Please be sure the entire contents of the toilet has flushed.

Thank you!

Meh

Yes, Yes, it's been one of those days, again!

So, it seems more and more these days, I have so much to say, but am so selective now in what I say, I just end up keeping most of my opinions to myself. 

Anyone that knows me well knows that this is NOT my style. If there is one thing that can usually be said about me is that I speak my mind. But after so many battles lost and so little victory to speak of, I just no longer have the heart. 

Thank God for cheap wine. 

Stupid is as stupid does

Ever had one of those days?

Momma said there'd be days like this...

Forever single!

How Crazy Is That?

This is how ridiculously outrageous our society's sense of beauty has impacted practically logical people: After years of battling with weight issues, at one time getting up to a whopping size 22, I am sitting here in my size 12 jeans thinking to myself, yeesh, I feel fat. 

How Crazy Is That?

I am in the same size Marilyn Monroe wore. I am voluptuous, sexy, proportioned, and even better than all of those things, I'm fit, healthy, and hearty. 

So why am I sitting here bemoaning the "spare tire" I see sitting above my waistband? Stupid magazines and TV shows. Stupid Barbie Dolls and teen idols. The worst part is, I've never had body issues. I've always been comfortable in the skin I'm in. And yet...here I am, feeling all bloated, and guilt-ridden for eating an entire bag of Cheddar Jalapenos Cheetos. 

So, I will drink this entire glass of wine, finish my Cheetos, and go do a handful of crunches. Hopefully that will assuage my guilty conscience. 

Life is too short...

Liz: "It begins when the object of your affection bestows upon you a heady hallucinogenic dose of something you've never even dared to admit you wanted an emoitional speedball of thunderous love and excitement. Soon you start craving that attention with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When it's withheld, you turn sick, crazy, not to mention resentful of the dealer who ecouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff. 

Liz: "Goddamn him, and he used to give it to you for free. Next stage finds you skinny, shaking in a corner certain only that you'd sell your soul just to have that one thing more time." 

Liz: "The irony is you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a mess. Unrecognizable even to your own eyes." 

Liz: "You have now reached infatuation's final destination. The complete and merciless devaluation of self." 

Eat, Pray, Love

I'm a survivor...

Eat, Pray, Love

"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else." -from Eat, Pray, Love

Isn't it Romantic?

So, I was SUPPOSED to have a weekend away at a romantic getaway with a certain someone. Instead, I got a weekend of wishing I was anywhere but here. I think it is definitely time to move on. I think I am discovering that I'm not the kind of person that sticks around. There's just never anything to keep my attention for any length of time. 

That is all for now. 

Everything Changes yet Everything Stays the Same

Just returned from a 2 week "break". I decided to try to see things thru fresh eyes. Funny, it all filters into the same images as before. Maybe next time I take a real vacation. One without computers, cell phones, appointments, schedules, etc. I need a "Calgon, take me away" kind of break. 

Kony 2012 and Why I Want to Stay in Haiti

In the beginning, my dream was to go to Africa. I mean, doesn't everybody at some point or another have a vision of themselves in the Motherland doing something, whether it be missions work, humanitarian aid, or even just a safari? My initial interest was sparked after seeing the animated film, Hugo the Hippo. It turned me on to Zimbabwe and the political strife of the region. Later, as I started seriously thinking of what type of work I would do in Africa, I realized I wanted to work with children. I looked into several options. For a few years now I've been looking into positions with assorted NGOs and charities in Zimbabwe such as the Zimbabwe Project, a Canadian orphan care organization. But as I do not have a Master's degree in the areas they require, I had been unable to catch a break. I guess true experience and expertise in a field doesn't mean squat when you have shareholders to answer to. 

Bastard!

One thing I've discovered in life is that when you meet a bastard that spends most of his time telling you what a good so-and-so he is, generally he is not. So, here I am, stuck in the middle of what I want to accomplish, and what I'm being prohibited from accomplishing, and my best bet right now is a circle-talking, scheming, conniving, under-handed, bastard who in one breath is telling you, "Yeah, I'm a bastard, but I'm telling you up front I'm a bastard so you can't hold it against me" and in the other is explaining that anyone that would be a bastard to you can't be trusted...Oy!

So, if you haven't figured it out, the word for today is: BASTARD! 

I better go do some yoga!

Frack!

In the words of Trisha Yearwood, Some days are better than others...I've gotten to have such a potty mouth since I've been here. I just get so frustrated with all of the things I want to do, but can't just do. Thank God for cheap wine and good company!

Things I won't miss when I leave

the lack of fresh produce

not being able to go grab a cappuccino

not being able to go grab anything - not having a car and all

empty gas pumps

dirty feet

the smell of burning garbage

roosters crowing 

dogs fighting/getting hit by cars and rocks

Muah

Literally, hugs and kisses to all of you who have, through thick and thin, supported me in even the smallest measure. And praise be to the Lord Almighty without whom I would be nothing! 

I am in absolute awe of the miracles I have been a part of. I will, for the rest of my life, look back on my experience in Haiti and know, unequivicably, that this is where the rubber meets the ashpalt, faith-wise. I came here with so many expectations that soon were modified in the most negative of ways. I had serious lapses in my faith and even had to seriously consider the salience of my choice to come down here. 

In the last 5 days I have had to really evaluate my reasons for doing this, and now am so much firmer in my conviction that the choice to give up a year in my life was not really my own. There is nothing I am doing down here that is for my benefit alone, and yet, everything I am doing is for my benefit. 

I have grown so much as a person since I have been here. I just don't even know how to begin to describe the personal growing pains I have been through since moving down here. 

You just can't make this stuff up! 

Anyhoo, I will sit down and try to put this experience into some media or another when I finally figure out which media is my voice when all the dust settles on this journey of discovery. 

Till then, Peace!

Why I hate apologizing

Okay, so the first step in recovery is to admit you have a problem. The thing I hate about admitting I have a problem is that it often time lets others off the hook, when they are clearly in part to blame.

A gun without ammo

Once, when I was stationed in North Carolina, one week a month I was made to go on guard duty. While on guard duty, we had to stay at the guard shack to act as a reactionary force in case there was any kind of trouble that required a ready force. Also, the station was divided into 15 posts, and each guard had to stand a post for a four hour period every 12 hours. While on guard, each Marine was given 5 rounds to keep in their rifle magazine. We were admonished at length about the amount of red tape and trouble we would expose ourselves to if we did indeed discharged our weapon.

One of those posts involved guarding the ammo dump. The ammo dump was a series of berms about 2 acres long containing enough explosives and bullets to supply a small war. On each end of the ammo dump there was a 20 foot high guard tower. We were to stand guard on this guard tower for 45 minutes out of each hour, and then climb down to walk the length of the compound and check for any suspicious activity. One other thing about the guard tower duty, there was a she-bear living in the adjacent woods and she had two bear cubs that she was still weaning. 

The rules were clear, these bears were protected by the government. We were, under no circumstances, to shoot these bears. Even if our lives were in grave danger, we would surely go to prison the rest of our natural lives if we so much as sighted in on the bears. So, what if the bear chases us? Climb up the tower was our only option. OK, but what if the bear climbs up the tower? Jump down and hope you don't break your leg so you can run away. Right, but what if we break our leg? Well, you could always shoot yourself, but if you even so much as aim at the bear, or discharge a round into the air, there will be hell to pay. 

So, you want me to do this job. You are giving me the tools to do my job. But I'm not allowed to use them? 

Right...I guess then I should pray I don't encounter a bear, or any other threat to national security.

Stereotypes

I am abundantly clear on the idea that it isn't fair, or just to lump people together based on only a few factors. I have always tried to be as open in my thinking as possible. I am the type of person that prefers to be loved for who I am, not what I am and so this is how I try to view the world. 

So quit trying your hardest to live up to the stereotypes I am trying not to buy into. You aren't helping to change the world view of people with your attitudes and behaviors! 

Stop it!

Facebook Wisdom of the Day #4

Oy! Right then. This explains everything!