Momma said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this, my momma said.
Well, what she didn't get to stick around long enough to tell me was what the eff I was supposed to do when they did happened, in succession, one right after the next.
It's been a crazy few weeks for me. I got a job I don't think I want, I've started to lose my focus in school, failing random quizzes and getting low grades on lackluster papers I barely remember writing. And my sister is in the hospital, fighting desperately to defeat the massive system failures caused by complications from chemo and radiation to treat the same cancer that killed our mother in 1978. How d'ya like them apples?
On days like this, what do you do? I think it's by the grace of God Himself that I came home to a pan full of chocolate chip cookies, a bottle of wine, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills. Cuz lets all be clear on this one fact...if there had been any sleeping pills left...I was in severe mental health crisis at the end of this beyond shitty day.
There are only so many things a bff can say to talk you down off that ledge. Sometimes, when you've heard it all before, SAID it all before...the words sorta lose their ring...fall on deaf ears. I really want a Mulligan. I think I deserve a Mulligan. I want a full decade Mulligan. I don't want to be 40. I want to go back and try my 30s all over again. I think I know what I'd do differently. For one, I would have used tuition reimbursement and gone to school while I had my cushy Duppie job. That's for darn sure! Not sure what I would have done with the boy...not like he took advantage of the private school education I paid for him so it wouldn't have been a big loss to put him in public...I just wouldn't have done Roseville, that's for certain!
As far as this school work stuff goes, it's not that difficult. I was getting nearly the top grades in all my classes before my sisters crisis. I'm sure I could have done it. I just wish maybe I wouldn't have taken on this job. I was foolish and selfish to believe I could have it all. I should have left well enough alone, let the mortgage company take the house as originally planned, and focused on school until I had to figure something else out.
Now, instead, I'm spread too thin and under performing in all areas of my life. I want my mommy. It's not fair. I don't want to play anymore...I want to take my marbles and go home, but I've lost my marbles, and I may be losing my home...
There'd be days like this, my momma said.
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No, it's not a typo...today is the day I go see the lawyers about trying to save my house from foreclosure. On the one hand, if I let the house go, I'll be able to stretch my minuscule income further and possibly sock a little away for the future. I'd be able to get a better car. I wouldn't have to worry about all the maintenance and upkeep of this place.
On the other hand, If I let it go, I let go all the privileges that come with home ownership...privileges like privacy, and sense of Independence.
I'm not asking for much. I don't want to be given any extra special dispensations. I just want to be able to come home at the end of my very long days and relax. I'd like to be able to walk into the kitchen and fix something to eat. I'd like to be able to draw a hot bath and soak in it, even to fall asleep in it! lol
So, here's my prayer:
God, whatever happens today, please guide me in seeing that you have a plan for me and comfort me in my time of need. Your will be done, easier spoken than accepted. Whatever your plan, help me to adjust to whatever may come. Give me the strength to do the things I must do. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Amen!
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So, last Wednesday, my English Comp class was divided into groups of 4 students each and we were tasked with reading one another's essays and "proofing" them. We were asked to evaluate the essays based on 7 criteria the instructor posted on the board for us to review. Not too difficult, I should think. Then I read the first one.
All I can say is...Oy to the Vay! (insert face palm here) I was once again reminded in painful detail just how inadequately secondary educators are preparing students for successful college careers. The first essay was technically correct in appearance. It consisted of 5 paragraphs, the first of which was an intro, followed by 3 evidential, or supporting, paragraphs, followed by a concluding paragraph. Each paragraph consisted of the minimum standard 3 sentences. For all intents and purposes, the paper had the look of an essay.
Then there's the content. To begin with, the student never took a position. It is her belief that since there is no real way to prevent people from saying offensive things, we should all "just get over it." That's all I'm going to say about that essay.
The next poor child was under the impression that "free speech" is someone standing at a podium and speaking, for which the listener is not required to pay a fee to hear! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! Once I got my blood pressure back to a livable level, I wrote a few quick notes and passed her paper back. I couldn't really begin to give her advice on how to fix the technical aspects of her paper when she obviously slept thru the past 10 years of her education!
The last young lady in my group wrote an eloquent thesis on the importance of protecting the rights of all, including bigots and nut-jobs (or are those titles inter-changeable? lol) rights to express themselves. She went on to discuss how although freedom of speech gives one the right to express one's ideas, it does not mean one should haphazardly exercise that right. She discussed the moral obligation each one of us has in censoring our own selves and impressed upon the importance of considering how our expressions may effect others.
I was thoroughly impressed that she was able to articulate her thoughts and backed them with a few references, although she failed to site them in her rough draft. I was able to leave a few notes for her on places where the technical aspects of her essay needed to be tended to, as well as leaving a few devil's advocate gems for her to think about when doing the final draft.
Then I received my own paper back from the team. Other than two spots where they noticed (as I had already discussed with the BFF) that the content wandered a bit off topic, they didn't have anything critical to say. They jotted down a few encouraging comments about how much they liked my essay and that was it. Well, except for one comment. I nearly fell over with laughter when I realized what she was trying to say. She was commenting on a line in my essay where I describe how campus restrictions on language would make for a "kinder, gentler learning environment" and my "peer" wrote down a suggested alternative as "could be 'more gentle learning environment'" - okay, I had to remind myself that anyone under 35 years of age would not be apt to get the George H. W. Bush reference there. So, there's that! lol
I will post up my essay as soon as I get the graded on back from the instructor and have had an opportunity to correct any major failures.
Thanks for listening!
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This is just a post to say that I have at least 5 posts stored up in my head and no time to lay them out...I need a secretary!
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Bill of Rights
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
So, I am in the car with my BFF (best friend forever) and we are on our way to her middle son's first football game of the season. As we turn the corner to get into the parking lot, we realize there is some kind of protest going on. The protesters are brandishing yellow ribbons, parade-sized versions of Old Glory, and signs bemoaning our president and the new health care plan. They even have a sound system amplifying patriot melodies. Whatever group this is, they have a statement, and they want to be heard.
So, bff huffs and gets disgruntled about them being in her way. Understand that she is 110% a football mom (and that topic is for another post) and these people are in the way of her getting to THE GAME! Her 7 y/o daughter asks what those people are doing. Again, bff huffs, and makes some snarky comment about them being stupid and wanting to spread their stupidness or something to that effect. At this, I had to interject and explain to her daughter that those people were exersizing their first amendment rights. To which bff replies, "Listen, my children are entitled to my opinion, and my opinion only."
Now, under any other circumstances, I would have jumped at the opportunity to jump on my soap box and let her have it with both barrels. Instead I laughed it off, because I know her well enough to know that even though she encourages her children to share her political views, I also know that she is the kind of person that would never prevent her children from developing their own political views. But she isn't alone in her agitation of people exersizing their rights to peacable assembly and free speech.
The current topic of discussion in my English Comp class is "Do you think there is some language that is so patently offensive that it should be banned from public discourse despite our Fisrt Amendment guarantee of free speech?" We read an article today about how Mob Rule has taken over liberal college campuses across the nation, allowing certain political groups to harass and even cause to cancel certain invited speakers if the group doesn't agree with the point of view of the speaker.
What will happen to us as a people when only the politically correct views are allowed to be expressed? Or when only those ideals that are popularly held are allowed to be expressed? Don't forget, slavery and nazism were popular views during their respective times in history. This is not a good direction to be going in. The irony is, that the campuses were this is running rampant have always been known as liberal institutions, once the basteons of open discource on controversial ideas and topics.
This topic hits right to the core of who I am and what I have always tried to stand for. I'm not going to get into it all right now. I have to save some for class. Our first writing assignment is going to be based on this topic. I'll post the finished product here. Come back in a few weeks and check it out.
Thanks for listening...
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Okay, so you know that look you give to the sweet-faced little "mentally challenged" girl when she coyly turns her cherubic face to you, bats her eyelashes, grins and waves? You know the one...the one that says, "Awe, what a cute little retarded girl. Isn't she precious?" (yes, I realize that is not very PC, but we all think it anyway!) Yeah, well, I got that look three times today. What's up with that?
Okay, the first one I admit, I probably deserved...I was driving north on Groesbeck at 4:45pm today. It was warmish and sunny and I had the windows down when Human League's "Don't You Want Me, Baby?" came on. That song practically defines my teen years! I can't help getting all dramatic and emotional and singing alomg with that one.
So there I am, driving down the road and singing along with Susan Sulley, "...I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true..." when this truck in the next lane slows to my pace. I look over and the driver is giving me that look! If it were practically any other song, I would've been embarassed, but I defy you to resist singing along with that iconic 80's tune.
Well, actually, to be perfectly honest, there's actually a plethora of songs I will sing along to with no regard for my appearance, much to the chagrin of my 17 year old son. But can I really be blamed? The 80s where rife with ballads that spoke to my angst-filled adolescent psyche, I just can't help myself! After all, I am a big dork!
The other two occurences, however, were completely unprovoked. I was compelled to seek out my reflection just to see if I had a booger hanging from my nose or something. I know, right?
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I want to know who made up the rule that blood is thicker than water? I mean, really? Why is it that we feel this unrealistic sense of obligation to people for whom our greatest commanality is often times only DNA? Why is it okay for the ones we love to be so agregiously awful to us? Who says it's okay for these people to hurt us just because we're their loved ones? I mean, really?
Recently I was accused of being better to my friends than I am to my own family. Well, maybe that's because my friends have always loved me unconditionally. Maybe because my friends always come to my rescue when needed and never serve me with the bill. Maybe God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to give me, through friendship, the family that genetics and bad luck cheated me out of. I mean, really!
I once had a therapist who told me that I should remove toxic people from my life, even if they are family. He told me I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to take a step back from them when I needed it. I have recently been taking an inventory of those things about myself that I could use some improvements on. I know that I am not so good at the forgiveness thing and I am working dilligently on this. I am the first to recognise that I am an imperfect creature and I have a lot of work to do before I leave this world. I am not opposed to a little constructive critisism here and there. Let it never be said that I am not constantly seeking self improvement.
But you know what? If you can't figure out how to tell me you are not happy with me without sinking to petty, immature, name calling, you can go flock yourself! I'm not a rug - you do not have permission to walk all over me. I Yam what I Yam and I make no excuses for it!
That's all I have to say on that!
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